Fifty Shekels = $15

Deuteronomy 22: 28-29

"If a man encounters a virgin who is not pledged in marriage, and he seizes her and lies with her, and they are discovered, then the man who lay with her must pay the young woman’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she must become his wife because he has violated her. He must not divorce her as long as he lives."

If you hate women, the Bible's your friend.

If you ARE a woman, why the hairy FUCK would you go near that thing?

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Apart from the delightful salaciousness of the topic the reason I lampooned this tiny, ridiculous, antiquated, archaic, useless sliver of gospel truth is because it's typical of the entire tome. There is very little in it ( And by "it" I mean any of the near-endless varieties of the Bible, though to be honest, the Torah, the Koran and the Bible are close enough cousins they couldn't marry even in Arkansas.) that is relevant to contemporary life anywhere on Earth. If you deleted every page that didn't offer good sound advice for the modern man it could easily be called "The Holy Pamphlet".

Even the Ten Commandments, of which there are two sets, can be boiled down to the following:

Love your fellow man.

Convince me I'm wrong.

To most Americans this is all the Bible they need to know:

Jesus, the son of God, was born on Xmas day to a virgin mother. He died on the cross so I can go to Heaven when I die. And anyone who doesn't believe that are heathen scum who must suffer at the hands of us True Believers. We know what Jesus wants because we know what Jesus wants. The end.

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One more thing: Can you imagine being a young woman living under the rules of the Bible and knowing that at any moment you're one struggle in the bushes away from a life of virtual slavery to a man you hardly know? And the penalty for the man is basically the cost of dinner for two at McDonalds?

That's what you get when you base a religious society on sin and guilt.

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As I've grown older I have found only two benefits from the existence of the, ahem, Holy Bible:

1. A near-bottomless reservoir for sarcasm and parody.

2. Names of reference books like "The Flash Bible" or "The Photoshop Bible". It's instructive that there was never a "The Bible Bible".

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The one thing I worry about crafting 'toons parodying Jesus and Heavenly Cloud Club is that I might, just as a matter of coincidence, stroke out after posting one and all the pious parasites out there would take the opportunity to go "See? That's what you get for messin' with thuh Lord, yuh little heathen!"

Is it going to stop me? Nahhh. Totally worth it.

See you in February.

- Lefty