(Note: This is a kind of two-fer for me as I not only get to have sport with Mr. McCain but I also get to showcase the single least funny or astute political comic in the world... Bruce Tinsley's "Mallard Fillmore".)

Uh, which conservatives do you mean, Brucie-pants?

The one's who were for immigrant reform and now aren't? Like McCain.

The ones who were against more off-shore drilling and now are for it? Like McCain

The one's who were for Social Security privatization and now aren't? Like McCain.

The one's who were for defense spending cuts and now aren't? Like McCain.

The one's who were for the estate tax before they were against it? Like McCain.

The bus currently seems more likely to run over a long line of liberals than conservatives, you lying sacka crap cartoonist, you.

But don't worry, McCain'll change his mind. He always does. Flip-flopping is a sign of strength... or at least it was before it was a sign of weakness.

Remember the anthrax scare of 2001? Remember how everyone was saying it came from Saddam, had to have come from Saddam, must have come from Saddam, we've got to get that Saddam?

One of the biggest cheerleaders on this issue was John McCain, who went on David Letterman's show in October of 2001 and shared the following:

LETTERMAN: How are things going in Afghanistan now?

MCCAIN: I think we're doing fine . . . I think we'll do fine. The second phase -- if I could just make one, very quickly -- the second phase is Iraq. There is some indication, and I don't have the conclusions, but some of this anthrax may -- and I emphasize may -- have come from Iraq.

LETTERMAN: Oh is that right?

MCCAIN: If that should be the case, that's when some tough decisions are gonna have to be made.


As it turns out, McCain had no proof at all that the anthrax came from Iraq. None. Zip. Zero. Nada. McCain was simply spreading lies for the benefit of Dick Cheney in order to convince the public that the US military needed to invade Iraq.

'Nuff said.

In a recent response to a question about playing the race card Senator McCain avoided the question, instead teetering from talking point to talking point before finally claiming that "he fought for the recognition of Martin Luther King's birthday in his state of Arizona."

Sorry, that was incorrect, John.

The truth is, McCain has a long record of opposing the holiday. In fact, in 1983 McCain did something not even Dick Cheney did: he voted in Congress against a federal holiday in honor of Dr. King, which President Reagan later signed into law.

In 1987, McCain supported Arizona Governor Evan Mecham's action to rescind an executive order establishing a state holiday in Martin Luther King's honor.

Even in 1989, when McCain finally came around and supported a state holiday, he said he was "still opposed to another federal holiday."

As recently as 2000, McCain reportedly said he "resented it when people outside of Arizona got involved" in the issue.

Resented who, John. And specifically, what was the color of their skin?

It's funny, but even after adopting a very dark-skinned Bangladeshi infant back in 1991 Mr. McCain still shows every indication of being a racially intolerant twit.

As for the child, her name is Bridget but it's darned hard to find much information about her on the 'net. Could it be that the family is shielding her from middle-America, from the kind of racist boobs who wouldn't understand this dark child? Doing all they can to keep from losing the Redneck vote?

Nahhhhhh.

It's official.

McCain has completely ceased underestimating the intelligence of his supporters or, more frighteningly, Mr. McCain simply doesn't read what he's been told to say. To prove it here's a choice nugget that the senator coughed up today at a town hall meeting in Ohio:

“What do you think that Saddam Hussein would be doing with oil at $120, $125, $130 a barrel? I’ll tell you what he’d be doing. He’d be doing what he said he was committed to doing. And that’s acquiring and using weapons of mass destruction, which he did twice before.”

This is grab-your-head-and-stagger-around-the-room kind of bufoonery. Let's see, where do I start?

(1) First, no one has ever strictly defined "weapons of mass destruction" so if Mr. McCain is referring to nuclear weapons then, without doubt, Saddam Hussein didn't have them in 2003 and wouldn't have them for a very, very long time. No weapons grade plutonium was ever found in Iraq and there was no country that would sell it to him. The hunt for biological weapons factories also turned out to be a complete bust.

(2) Twice before? What twice? How could Saddam have twice what he never had at all? Does McCain somehow mean the biological weapons that Donald Rumsfeld sold Saddam which he subsequently used on the Kurds?

(3) The price of oil is currently at record levels primarily BECAUSE the US invaded Iraq. How simple-minded do you have to be to not understand that simple equation?

Again, this is Mr. Oil-Company-Puppet waving the bright, shiny Saddam trinket in front of people who are hopefully smarter than that.

Wow.

Just... wow.
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One more thing: There's been a lot of hoo-ha lately over the future of energy in this country, most of it involving the air-pressure in our tires. To be precise, John McCain's energy plan consists of the following:

(1) Drill in America for more oil
(2) Give the oil companies a $4 billion tax credit
(3) Award a prize for anyone developing a high-mileage car engine.

Yes, that's it.

The Obama energy plan is broad and extensive, covering short-range goals, long-range goals and everything in between. You can read it here:

http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/newenergy

Presidential candidate John Edwards recently admitted he had an affair two years ago. Regardless of the damage done to his marriage it would have been a death-blow to the progressive movement in this country had he succeeded in his primary bid. A presidential candidate guilty of an extramarital affair would be raw meat for the media and Edwards would have had no option but to drop out of the race. That much is certain.

Which makes me wonder why we're giving another adulterer, John McCain, a free pass on this subject. He clearly was cheating on his first wife, Carol, when he was courting Cindy. Yes, he eventually married Cindy but dumping a crippled wife, the mother of his children, for a woman almost half his age is hardly a badge of honor.

Perhaps if Mr. Edwards had chosen to serve his wife divorce papers the day after her cancer operation, as congressman Newt Gingrich did to his then-wife, all might have been forgiven.

Yes, McCain's adultery occurred thirty years ago but his behavior then is every bit as relevant as Mr. Edwards is now and should be treated as seriously by the press.

For the record?

John McCain supports the oil industry no matter what.

Start a new war? Sure!

Hand over federal lands to oil companies that will then just sit on them? You bet!

Give Big Oil big new tax breaks? Why, certainly!

You know what McCain doesn't support? Alternative energies, like wind and solar. He has consistently voted against them, because as long as there's an alternative to oil, McCains' oil friends can't economically rake the public over the coals every time they have an opportunity.

Barack Obama supports massive investment into alternative energies. This means cleaner air, fewer wars and less cost for you.

Vote Barack.

Much to his credit John McCain helped send Ralph Reed, former Christian Coalition head, to jail as part of the Jack Abramoff scandal.

Ralph Reed is currently raising money for John McCain's presidential campaign.

Sometimes, when you lay down with dogs, you never get up again.

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"We're not sending any negative message in our campaign." - John McCain, 8-12-08

John McCain has so far run just one televised ad that wasn't an attack ad on Barack Obama. It was the one called "Original Maverick", the one that has McCain saying he'll take on big oil (presumably anally).

The ad ran a total of six times in a single day in one media market.

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"In the 21st century, nations don’t invade other nations." - John Sidney McCain

More proof that John McCain woke up from a 20-year nap in 2006.

“People who make under $80,000 are too stupid to understand taxes anyway.” - John McCain, August 8, 2008

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When asked to "define rich" at the Saddleback debates Senator McCain eventually said "If you’re just talking about income, how about $5 million."

Yes, according to Senator McCain anyone who does not make $5 million a year is middle class, at best.

BTW, if you make $5 million a year that puts you in the top 99.9% percentile of wealth in America.

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McCain finally released his first policy paper on technology. He claims credit for creating the "do not call" list in 2003.

The FTC actually is responsible for the list, creating it in 2001.

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Senator McCain has voted with George Bush 95% of the time. When criticized for this he replied that Barack Obama "voted in lockstep with Bush".... 50% of the time.

Try walking in lockstep with someone half the time.

John McCain calls Obama the Senate's biggest liberal AND that he votes in lockstep with the Republicans.

That means... Republicans are liberal?

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Eight times this year the Congress has voted on a bill, S.3335 to be exact, to extend subsidies to wind and solar power. The vote failed eight times, and Senator McCain voted "no" each time. (To be precise, he didn't even bother to show up.) Barack Obama voted "yes" each time.

And what does McCain say about this? - "I have a long record of support of alternate energy. I have not missed any crucial votes."

Whatever you say, John.

For the past ten years John McCain was on the committee to oversee technology, including the internet. In that time America went from #5 in the world to #22 in broadband penetration.

The recently released McCain technology proposal only wants to further consolidate the internet in the hands of monopolies rather than encourage competition.
An example of how far America has fallen in this regard is France. There you get five times the average American download rate plus cable television plus telephone for half the cost of similar domestic packages.

Half.

If you're interested in learning more, especially about the vital importance of Net Neutrality, go here and view the short video.

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John McCain makes one campaign stop per day these days. One. That's all he's physically capable of.

He also doesn't take questions from the press corp any longer and he used to be famous for his access and condor with the press.

Why the change?

Because off-script he's become a liability as he's so mentally feeble he forgets his talking points. Now his handlers hustle him out, he reads from a few note cards or off a tele-prompter and back on the bus he goes. That's your new puppet Republican.

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First McCain gets caught cribbing speeches from Wikipedia, now he's telling personal stories lifted from stories written by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn. Classy, john. Real classy.

John McCain honestly doesn't know how many houses he owns.

Has dementia kicked in or is it only the "stupid people", those poor bastards making less than $5 million a year, who bother with such things as keeping track of their homes?

Vote Barack "Not senile" Obama

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The McCain's increased their budget for household employees from $184,000 in 2006 to $273,000 in 2007, according to John McCain's tax returns.

The Barack houshold budget for domestic help? Oh, uh, let's seee... hmmmm.

Nothing.

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When John McCain was held captive by the Viet Cong he claimed they tortured him using sleep deprivation, the withholding of medical treatment, stress positions, long-time standing, and beating.

The Bush administration does not define any of these methods as torture, and John McCain agrees with them.

So STFU, John.

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Mini Rant

On John McCain's POW credentials, who the fuck cares?

Let's be very clear here, he did not give up those five and a half years of his life performing a noble deed, like teaching a child to read or feeding the poor. He ended up in that tiger cage while voluntarily fighting an ugly little oil war in Southeast Asia. He wasn't trying to stop the war. He was the war.

John McCain was a tool of a nationalist killing machine, raised specifically to play that role and, ultimately, doing it so badly that he was shot down by inferior technology. He then almost killed himself ejecting incorrectly from his bomber. What's worse is that he now lies about his captive experience, altering it to fit the crowd he's in front of.

Up yours, john.

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Presidential campaigns are required to release lists every month notating those who have donated money to their cause. McCain's campaign is using a loophole to avoid releasing that information until October 15, two weeks before the election.

Why?

Because on that list are people who have given up to $70,000 each and they don't want anyone knowing who they are until it's too late to do anything about it

Think about that. The donors don't want to be identified. First, that's not exactly a vote of confidence. Second, how criminal could these people be? <Cough Exxon - Haliburton - KBR - Pfizer - Insurance companies>

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Cindy McCain's story has always been that she's an only child. Well, it turns out that she has a half-sister from her father's first marriage.

Oops!

And then it turns out her father had ANOTHER child by an entirely different wife previous to Cindy's mother.

Double-oops!

I guess by "only child" Cindy means "The only child to be remembered in the will".

Ouch.

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So John McCain, a man who ran out on his family, married a woman whose father ran out on his family... twice.

Yeah, they deserve each other.

In addition, John McCain is receiving political advice from Karl Rove, a man whose father ran out on his family.

It's all about family values, you know.

Ever since the "number of houses" incident John McCain has been kept on a very VERY short leash by his handlers, leaving all the explanations for his suddenly-clear-as-day hypocrisy to his lackeys, menials and Fox News.

Since he hasn't had the opportunity to say anything really stupid for the past three days I'd like to share a pet theory on why John McCain:

• Has flip-flopped on all of his core values
• Makes so many silly mental mistakes
• Has such a demented-looking smile
• Has such a distorted-looking head
• Can't raise his arms over his head
• Has had his access to reporters severly diminished
• Can't answer personal questions, like how many houses he owns.

I think it's because Dick Cheney himself killed and skinned the senator once he'd won the party's nomination and now has George Bush running around in a badly-tailored McCain-skin suit trying to win that third term by hook or by crook.

It makes a whole lot of sense if you think about it.

Cindy McCain, wife of Sen. John "Little Hothead" McCain, is headed to the Republic of Georgia, where tensions between the government and Russia have sparked international concern and have become an issue on the presidential campaign trail.

No one knows why she's going there.

It's not like the little twinkie flies around the world continuously on errands of mercy. Methinks another shallow publicity stunt is soon to ensue.

First things first: Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama's speech last night was one of the most inspiring I've ever heard. Senator John McThuselah doesn't stand a chance.

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Time magazine just published an "interview" with Senator McCain in which he was apparantly about one stamp shy of a postal exploit. Time and again he would grumpily answer probing questions with a canned response, usually along the lines of "I will do as much as we possibly can do to provide as much access to the press as possible" without, of course, providing access.

Read it for yourself here.

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Senator McCain is not the only one with the tasty quips today. Check out the solution John Goodman, his go-to guy on health care issues, has come up with to solve the insurance crisis:

“The next president of the United States should sign an executive order requiring the Census Bureau to cease and desist from describing any American – even illegal aliens – as uninsured. Instead, the bureau should categorize people according to the likely source of payment should they need care. So, there you have it. Voila! Problem solved.”

Yes, the McCain answer to the health care problem is to simply stop counting the people without health insurance.

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Want to see how the McCain and Obama tax plans differ and how much money you'll save? Click here.