Paper Tigger

The FBI reports that up to 500 American "influencers" are being paid by the Russian government to spread disinformation during the U.S. elections.

Expected GOP response: "This is unamerican! We must do everything we can to protect our democracy from our enemies!"

Actual GOP response: "Pssst! Hey, youse influencer guys. Don't tawk ta noboddy widout a lawyah, capiche?"

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That Tyreek Hill video was some fucked-up shit. I hope those sadistic, smooth-brained cops find themselves selling shoes and Tyreek finds himself a whole lot richer real soon.

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(An imaginary conversation now ensues)

Lefty: I think the assassination attempt was a fraud. I think that kid never took a shot directly at Trump and the subsequent "damage" to his ear was executed using a squib.

Donald Trump: You're right, that's exactly how we did it.

Lefty : What! Donald Trump? Why would you admit to that?

Trump: Because it doesn't matter. If you tell anyone else they'll just call you a conspiracy kook.

Lefty: Even if I post it on my web site and pretend you actually admitted to me and the whole world that you're a huge fraud?

Trump: Yes, because conspiracy theories only work when the Conservative media pushes them.

Lefty: How about the one that say too much Ozempic turns your neocortex into guacamole?

Trump: Man, woman, TV, shark, battery, covfefe?

Lefty: Good night, Gracie.

- Lefty