I'm
Top
of the Food Chain, Ma!
Typical human's day:
"Bye, honey. I'm taking the car to get it filled
before we make the long drive down to visit your
mom at the state pen. I hope I don't get caught in
cross-town traffic again.
Then I'll stop by the dry
cleaners and pick up your
collection of My Little Pony sweatbands and
your cashmere snood. Afterwards I'll hit Piggly Wiggly
and see if any of those barbecued
condor-anus-on-a-stick are still on sale. With my
luck that jerk Jerry will be there grabbing all
the biggest ones and, if he is, I'm gonna pop him
right
in the schnozz! Those are MY assholes!
Oh, yeah, and it's Timmy's birthday
next week. Should I stop at Toy Dumpster and get
him that simulated leather 3D model of the Branch
Davidian massacre? Yeah, you're right. Money's kind
of tight right now so maybe we should stick with
the do-it-yourself appendix surgery kit.
I'll be taking the trash out to the bin with me.
Boy! How is it we always manage to fill that thing
so quickly? Maybe we ought to recycle more aggressively
but who has the time? Ah, what the heck! Maybe I'll
start next week but, for now, what's one more big
bag of foam take-out containers?
Typical cow's day: Think I'll eat some grass, again.
(I hope I'm not being too subtle but I think this
planet, and mankind in general, would have been
much better off if we'd evolved from something more
cow-like than the killer chimps that we are.
And if you
think it's man's destiny to reach the stars I've
got a government report on rising CO2 levels that
I'd like to sell you.)
---------------
I tried long and hard to
find a semi-rational reason why God would flood an
entire
planet. All
I found
was
that
he thought
that mankind was, well, you know, kinda icky. Humans,
the very creatures God crafted with his own two little
hands and the occasional puff of breath, were all
evil and deserved to die... except for that nice
family
right
down
the
street.
So, yeah, if I need deep spiritual guidance I'm not
going to elicit it from some rancorous sociopath
like that. And I'm certainly not going to trust him
in the ballot-box with me. He's all hands.
----------------
One last, self-serving thing.
Lat year I lucked upon a cell phone provider called
Tello. Their rates are dirt-cheap and the service
is
rock-solid. I've told all my friends about them
and several happily made the switch.
So if you'd like to save some serious dough please check them out. If you use
this
link and sign up we'll both get a $10 bonus.
Thanks!
-----------------
Final Edit News: After persistent self-doubt I added
the "You mean THIS god" text box and altered
Yahweh's exasperated solution just to make the
"punchline" a mite less obtuse.
=Lefty=
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