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Strings Theory

I found David Koch's obituary, which ran in today's "Wichita Sphincter-Examiner":

David Hamilton Koch, who often said that he never met a fossil fuel he didn't like, died August 22, 2019 of complications of a stake driven into his heart. He passed peaceably on the deck of his beloved yacht, "The Kristallknacht", surrounded by galley slaves, food tasters, his wife, three mistresses, three known children, dozens of angry relatives who have been cut out of the will, and the PR Department of the legal team of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe.

He leaves behind polluted air, poisoned water, a destabilized Kansas public education system, a vast climate-change-denial apparatus, the CATO Institute, Americans for Prosperity and 1,347 other conservative think-tanks and political front groups that will continue to fight progress for many decades to come. He takes with him $45 billion dollars that he otherwise would have owed the government if he hadn't spent decades and untold millions of dollars bribing the GOP to gut the estate tax.

The Koch family wishes to thank the Dark Lord for his service to the family over the many years. In lieu of flowers the family is requesting that virgins be donated for the sacrifice to be held in his honor this Wednesday at Josef Mengele Baptist Church. No fatties.


The thing that surprised me most about David Koch's death is, well, David Koch's death. That's because these malevolent, conservative tycoons seem to grace the society pages far, FAR in excess of their sell date.

Dick Cheney. Wilbur Ross. Rupert Murdoch. They'll all be finding some new way to screw the poor long after you or I are in Paradise handing out hymnals to Hitler and Stalin.

And yet, how many thoughtful and creative humanitarians have tap-danced off this mortal coil LONG before their time before even one wizened "captain of industry" croaked?

Pacts with Satan are surely only one of the ways these evil, conservative monsters seemingly live forever. (Rush Limbaugh's ears would be burning right now if he hadn't destroyed his hearing with oxy-contin) Organ-harvesting and hormone transfusions from bodies of the unwary, which can be blamed on Mexican rapists, surely take up any slack in their contracts with Lucifer.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not really celebrating Koch's death because I realize his passing only means that one of his progeny will ascend the throne of his empire and, owing to a life lived in the bubble of profligate luxury, will toss more pandas and mountain gorillas into the furnace to stoke the fires of progress. Daddy would be so proud.


t-Rump says he is "The Chosen One".

Oh, goody!

That means that crucifixion is back on the menu!

And not that namby-pamby hands-outstretched stuff. I mean hung-upside-down-on-a-log with a large spike driven straight through the groin, just like they did it in the old days.

Let's see his cultists wear THAT around their necks.


end rant

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