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I'm with stupid.
I'm with stupid.

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Oral Testimony

piss christA young Pennsylvania man, with apparently age-appropriate taste in humor, may find himself living it up at the Crossbar Comedy Club for two years for photographing himself simulating oral sex with a statue of Jesus, the very one in the picture below, and then being foolish enough to post it on the 'net.

The biggest problem with this case, the lesser one being that the perp has been watching too many Jackass movies, is that this isn't a statue of Jesus. It's actually someone's idea of what Jesus may have looked like. As far as that goes they could have swaddled a water fountain in purple raiment and called it a day. Carving out an anonymous Caucasian in plaster and calling it "Jesus" is an opinion, not a fact.

What if, for example, I painted a picture of Mr. Christ on the sidewalk in front of my house. Could I call the cops and scream "Apostasy!" every time someone walked on it? As far as that goes I don't even have to paint anything. I could simply claim that the concrete itself was my Sidewalk Savior, exactly the same as the plaster one, below. It's not my fault that the unenlightened can't delve the same Truth as I.

Burn them! BURN THEM, I say!

On the other hand I could convince the Fleshlight people to make a "Deep Throat Jesus", proving that, yes, you can be pious and get your oral on at the same time. And no one would have to go to jail.

If I ever start feeling vindictive I could make a rubber stamp of J.C. and stamp that sucker on every public toilet and urinal I could find, automatically conferring legally-binding holy cachet upon them. The people of this city would then find themselves in the uncomfortable position of either defiling the Lord or whizzing their seersuckers.

This "holy effigy" game is a dangerous one, people. So let's play.

dick suckin' Jesus


end rant

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