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proof that prayer doesn't work
Prayer Doesn't Work

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Be Specific

not sarah palinIt's clear that prayer works, that's why the world is such a peaceful place and no one goes cold or hungry. The reason things go sometimes wrong, like when heavily-armed cretins start shooting up schools, is because our prayers simply aren't specific enough, and God is well known for being a jerk. (See: Job, Sodom & Gomorrah, etc.)

The evidence is clear that if you give the big Cosmic Lug the opportunity he will monkey's paw your request to within an inch of its little life. Just ask any gambler who's drawn to an inside straight because he was working on the due theory. And rare is the trailer park resident who remembers to ask God to fend off stray tornadoes as they're heading out the door to shoplift Sudafed for their niece's sweet sixteen meth party. More fools they.

So from now on, before your kids leave for school, kneel down and ask God to protect your offspring from every known possible attack, whether by man or beast, in every conceivable combination. Gorillas with chainsaws, honey badgers with blow-guns, bar-flys driving '73 Chrysler Imperials with bad kingpins, etc. Go into great detail on the weather conditions, too, as God probably still has a flood or two up his sleeve.

If you're lucky, by the time you're through, the sun will have collapsed in on itself and become a brown dwarf. Nothing to worry about then.

Keep in mind that even if you manage to assemble the perfect prayer the first time it's conceivable that God might be distracted by previous prayers. Wall Street bankers, in particular, are monopolizing God's ears these days. It's the only explanation as to why they're not all currently in jail making the acquaintance of chaps named "Bullwhip" and learning how to toss salads in exchange for bathroom privileges.

Or, on the other hand, you could simply ask your congressman to back background checks for gun buyers, and close the gun show loophole.


end rant

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Jesus: Lessee... Sam's lottery ticket. Denied. Ann's science exam. GRanted. Ellen's hernia operation. Maybe. Tom's promotion. Granted.

Shooty Bang-Bang: Pardon me. Which way to the nearest elementary school?

Jesus: Three blocks straight ahead.

Shooty Bang-Bang: Thank you, Jesus!

Jesus: My pleasure! Bill's tax audit. Granted. George's horse in the third at Pimlico. Denied. Brianna's new puppy. Granted.

Overturn Citizens United