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What, exactly, are the requirements for a new pontiff?
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The Rat In The Hat

fuck me, i'm the pope in a cowboy hatFrom my viewpoint, do you know what seems to be the most important criteria for selecting a new Pope?

Considering the long list of losers, especially this last one, I'd guess it's hat size.

Seriously. The Vatican has, like, a gazillion special Pope-hats, and if you hire a relatively fat-headed or pin-headed replacement, PFFFT!, there goes the clothing budget. Hell, it may take the Holy Roman Empire ten or fifteen whole nanoseconds to accumulate enough funds to take them all in or let them all out or just stick them up the Pope's wretched, fetid, purulent ass, but that's time and money they could have better spent buggering the altar boys and that's just not fair to anyone, now is it?

So when they finally choose a new Pope he's definitely going to be wearing the same hats. You just watch.


On a more important note, if you have boxes or bags of shipping peanuts cluttering up your living or working space and you're considering chucking them in the dumpster, please, for the love of all that's chocolate, don't. Instead, take them down to your local UPS Store. The lads and lasses there are only too happy to take them off your hands. Thank you, UPS


end rant

Tim Minchin's love letter to His Holiness.

(To spare you right-wing nincompoopery all comments are moderated.)
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The qualifications for Pope can be surprisingly rigorous.

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