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Who Wants to Be A Cartoon Character?

bid goddamitI've been watching with obvious envy all of these fake Kickstarter pages for products we'll never see and I thought to myself "How can I also empty the boodle-bags of dreamers and fools?"

And then it came to me... my generous and thoughtful readers!

Here's the deal: Your likeness will be caricatured in a future Raging Pencils comic and all you have to do is be the high bidder in the world's crappiest eBay auction. Did I mention you'll get free art and stuff? The bidding lasts a week so bid now and bid often.


Good Day, You Hosers.

broken bottelI've mentioned before that I like to take long walks nearly every day. I used to enjoy playing handball and basketball until the day one of my teammates blew an aorta while attempting to block a lay-up, so ever since I've been taking a less strenuous approach to my daily constitutional. Besides, according to new research a mere 30 minutes of walking every day is all a person really needs to keep the doctor and his juicy, delicious apples away.

Now I have to shift gears a bit and tell you that my area of town recently went "wet", which means Mom & Pop beer and wine shops seemingly sprang up on every available corner of my neighborhood. I don't drink, never have, so it was no skin off my nose.

Or so I thought.

Now on my daily walks I'm finding my path littered with endless beer bottles carelessly discarded by good old room-temperature American goons.


Some of the bottles are, thankfully, whole and so, like a reverse Johnny Appleseed, I pick up what I can and drop them into the nearest available recycling bin. (And I do mean "reverse". Mr. Appleseed planted all those apple trees so settlers could make hard cider, a popular drink back in them days.)

I don't even TRY to pick up all the discarded plastic bottles. Life's too short and Cthuhlu knows what's brewing in them.

To be honest, streets glistening with shards of broken Bud Light can be kind of pretty as long as you're not walking barefoot into the sunset with your beloved. And I'm certain that real estate salesmen could put a positive spin on the problem if they gave it a try. Maybe even advertise it as a natural defense against unshod Mormons. Better than nothing.

This is one of those situations that deserve more than just one guy picking up the garbage tossed out of the car windows of pigs. I need at least one magic wish that would send every broken bottle into the underpants drawer of the offender. It's a start.



Notes, Notes, and More Notes.

Justice: Last Friday George Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and five of their legal advisers were convicted of war crimes by a Malaysian tribunal. This is actually kind of a big deal as it means any of the eight men can be arrested if they travel to almost any other country.

: Retired Philadelphia police officer Captain Ray Lewis may lose his life insurance for joining the Occupy protestors. This is sickening.

Police Report: German police officers fired 85 bullets in all of 2011. In America, New York police used that many bullets on just one man. Tell me again why we need all these guns?

Meanwhile, a Beaumont, California woman's eyes were destroyed by a cop's brutal misuse of pepper spray.

Science Nerdgasm: Batteries that are 10 times more powerful using cheap, plentiful silicon. Neato!

Heresy: Faith has some good side-benefits. If you prayed harder and fasted longer you'd be quieter and lose some weight.

Humor: "I would never die for my beliefs, because I might be wrong." - Bertrand Russell


And now our Chart of the Day: Trade book sales, February 2010 vs. February 2011.

trade book sales

Large-print version here.


Republican Job Creation Update

republican job creation5-14-2012: Last Thursday the House passed the Sequestration Replacement Act, designed to fatten the Pentagon coffers at the expense of the elderly and the poor. It is destined to die in the Senate. No Jobs were created.


Fox News Lies. Dump Fox News

Fox News Lies! Fox News commentator forgets which way to spin a story about an EPA ruling.

Click here to help Drop Fox from your cable system.

end rant

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Today's Google Chow.

Bookstore: Barrol O' Books

Kid customer: I asked for a copy of the Bible. This is "Vindictiveness for Dummies".

Proprietor: It's our special North Carolina edition, kid.

Overturn Citizens United