We
Shall
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ At The River
 To
begin with, I'm a Texas boy, born and bred. So when
Beloved Girlfriend's mother passed away back in 2003
I got to travel to Michigan and behold first-hand the
awe
and
inconvenient
spectacle of a proper Polish funeral.
First, there's the viewing. Three solid, head-smacking
days of open-casket fun as you watch the hours, and
your
life,
tick by as you
wait patiently to greet family and friends unable to
make it while the body was still warm.
After hoary tradition has been served the funeral
itself shifted locale literally across the street to
one of
Hamtramck's
finest
gothic
cathedrals,
the highlight of which was the fresh-from-Warsaw apprentice
priest's haranguing of the assembled mourners for not
coming to frickin' church
more often.
("It is YOU I am lookink at, AnnMarie!") What
the building lacked in modern amenities, like heat
in the
midst
of a raging Lower-Michigan ice-storm, it made up in
hulking pomposity.
Then it was off to the cemetery where the nuclear family
met to, I dunno, admire the coffin one more time
before finally
escaping
to
a local beer hall, whereupon the gathered host commenced
to dull
their collective sorrow by stuffing themselves
insensate with regional dainties and exotic foamy liquids
deep into the evening hours. There was much weeping,
not to mention the occasional fist-fight, before
everyone staggered into
the
humid night air with only their memories, and bouts
of gastric distress, to comfort them.
Now that's a funeral.
I share this charming tale with you because I am, frankly,
incensed at the vague imitation of a funeral my recently-departed
sister received as we ushered her remains off this
mortal coil on Monday.
I
call it "The #3 Special".
It goes like this: You rent an edifice that offers
modest religious overtones, plenty of stained glass
but no figures of torture victims hung from cross-beams,
just roomy enough to hold
those friends and family
fortunate
enough
to get off work for an hour. Once the doors are closed
they begin the service not with the majestic swell
of hymns written by the great masters but by the not
quite
as majestic sound of a couple
of the
deceased's favorite country-and-western pop tunes piped-in
through a marginal sound system.
Then the "pastor" comes out and begins the
eulogy, obviously reading from a glorified version
of Mad-Libs,
that
wacky fill-in-the-blank game.
It was excruciating listening to this guy laboriously pinball from date-of-birth
to date-of-death to place-of-birth to names-of-children
before running out of room on the form. Along the way
he managed to mispronounce my sister's name and announced
that
she loved "croquet" rather than "to crochet".
Since this minimalist approach took him all but 90
seconds he cleverly repeated himself and then filled
in the next five minutes by narrating several random
pages
of
Biblical scripture.
I honestly
have
no idea what he was talking about and, by the minimal
amount of interest he exhibited, I rather doubt he
did either.
Then it was one last round of vaguely uplifting MOR
treacle as we were invited to amble on up to the front
and pay our last respects to the
deceased.
Five
minutes
later it was all over.
I've had lunches at Whataburger
that lasted longer and had more dignity.
So this is just a warning to my family. The next time one of you happens
to wander in front of a bus and takes a premature E Ticket to Paradise I'm personally
taking control of the eulogy. This includes the music and whatever minimal connection
you have with your creator, you old sinners, you. There will be jokes, there
will be bad karaoke, there will be puppets and uproarious
retelling
of
exemplary
deeds,
which
I will be happy to fabricate in your honor. It may be sloppy, it may be embarrassing,
especially if you haven't yet reincarnated and are looking down at us from
your particular Valhalla, but you will be celebrated and you will be remembered. Properly.
As for me, if I go
first, do your worst. Just none of that shit-kicker crapploa.
=Lefty=
------------
Republican Job Creation Update
 "We're
going to have a relentless focus
on creating jobs." -
John Boehner, February 10, 2011.
The following is #103 in a list of Republican
job creation activities
since they gained control of the House
in 2011. None, sad to
say,
have
yet to result in one, single new job.
(103) 11-2-2011: According to the AP the Republican
jobs plan would create no jobs.
So what does the GOP spend the day doing? They voted
to reaffirm that "In
God We Trust" is the national
motto, just in case someone missed the point that they
no longer give a crap about doing anything useful.
NOTE: As a result of an unexpected wave of enthusiasm
the Republican
Job Creation update now has its
own web site. It will remain on the RP but
a web site of its own will raise its visibility
on the 'net as
we progress towards the critical 2012 elections.
And I thank you for your support.
------------
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