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Back In Black

Mr. ShowbizAnd now, ladies and gentlemen, on stage for the first time in 2000 years, the Holiday Inn Kansas City is proud to present the comic styling's of the Man himself! Give it up for Jesus H. Kerrrrrrrr-rist!

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, thank you! It's great to be here! I gotta tell ya, though, I've been nailed to a cross for 2000 years and, boy, are my arms tired.

Audience: We love you, Jesus.

Jesus: I love you too, mom. How did you get out of the home? Note to self: next time, better handcuffs. So, uh, my dad is so cheap....

Audience: How cheap is he?

Hey, thanks for playing along. My dad's so cheap he built his first man out of mud. Not carbon fiber, not Scarlet Johansson's belly-button lint. Just mud. And not that fancy mud you get down at K-Mart, either. No sir. I mean plain old, mess-up-your-carpet-and-blame-it-on-the-dog mud. What's up with that? I guess he was all out of those fancy, hard-to-find rocks and sticks I've been hearing so much about.

And don't you start laughing, ladies. You were made from bones yanked outta the mud man. That makes you a mud-bone.

Anyway. So then one day he looks down at the Earth and sees all kinds of sinning going on amongst these mud people. He can't believe what he's seeing down there.

" What the heck? Are they actually..? Hey, stop that! Get offa him! That's not what that's for! That's just nasty!"

So now he figures he's go got to wipe them all out and start all over again. Now, he could have hired a hit man and made it look like an accident. Or he coulda put too much HFCS in their food. He coulda even called the Orkin man, but noooooo, we're talking about my Dad here. You know, Mr. Rockefeller. So he just goes and gets, that's right, the hose.

"Dum-de-dum. <Squirt-squirt-squirt> How do you like them apples, ya little bastards? Kinda hard to do the breast stroke with a hamster up your ass now, eh, Mr. Gimp-Suit?"

And don't get me started on that whole crucifixion thing. Oh, yeah, that was a special day for me. Did I get a pizza party? Did I get a nice watch or maybe a pen and pencil set? No! I tell you what I got. Two boards and some nails. My Dad said it was an "investment" for my future.

"How do you like it up there, son? That was my idea, you know? Next time you'll listen when I tell you to quit jerking-off so much."

Thank you! You've been great! See you all in 9875!


end rant

Raging Pencils salutes the Mystery Readers of
Rabat, Morocco
Whoever you are, thanks for reading my confusing little 'toon.

Today's mystery web comic is:


Raging Pencils is a contentious conceit of:

Mike Stanfill, Private Hand
Mike Stanfill, Private Hand
IllustrationFlash AnimationWeb Design


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Today's Google Chow.

Jesus: Death by crucifixion?

Dammit, Dad! Why do you always have to be such a freakin' luddite!

Look. You and I both know I don't resurrect until 9875 AD (wink-wink)

So why don't we just bag the crucifixion, wait until, say, 8000-ish and then I'll quietly O.D. on 'ludes in a quantum orgasmatron? Whaddaya say?

Jesus to Satan: He, uhhh, said he already made a deposit on the cross.