Abbie Normal

Will Trump really accomplish all the stupid policies he's promising? As observers of the political scene often say "It's not what they say, it's what they do."

Trump, historically, hasn't done shit. The next few years are certainly not going to be pretty but I think the rich really like a system that makes their lives so comfortable. Trump's policies could get them all led to the guillotine, so let's wait and see... and raise holy Hell until it's over.

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I'm sitting at a table at my favorite Chinese restaurant this past weekend, waiting for my take-out order of cashew shrimp to be delivered, when a loud commotion broke out at the table next to me. As one, a group of six adults abruptly rose from their chairs and descended upon a 4-year-old at their table who, it turned out, was choking on his food.

I mean, seriously choking. Really choking.

A series of maneuvers were attempted to dislodge the offending bolus. The child's back was pounded vigorously and large masculine fingers probed deep into the child's maw, but no Heimlich was attempted.

I've been around a long time and have enjoyed many a meal in many a retail establishment but this was the first serious choking experience for me. No one should make light of a situation where a child's life was in danger but I am probably not the first person in a similar situation to have flash across their mind the following thought: "What is the actual protocol for paying for one's take-out when a life-or-death medical emergency is in progress a mere six feet away?"

Fortunately for everyone involved the kid, whom the group collectively referred to as "Bubby", managed to expel the infernal gobbet and after a few deep breaths seemed no worse for wear. He proceeded to tend to his meal as though nothing untoward had occurred, only this time under the unusually watchful eye of his kith and kin. From what I could gather from the ensuing conversation this was not an out of the ordinary experience for dear old "Bubby".

This is one of those experiences that, I feel, justifies my stance as an atheist. What sort of sick weirdo god, who loves us so much he sacrificed his only blah-blah-blah, would release into the wild a race of beings who are capable of choking to death on a can of beanie-weinies, among other tasty comestibles. Who the heck would engineer the food hole and the air hole in such close proximity?

In that regard I think dolphins have the right idea, putting the breathing orifice on top of the head, far away from the edibles entrance. Although since, in their society, there are no hands or necks cetacean murder mysteries would have to find more inventive ways to off a victim. Perhaps that's why they always seem to be smiling as they know no one will ever sneak up behind them to conk them on the noggin with a pipe wrench or surreptitiously lace their anchovies with arsenic.

But I digress.

Other animals, like horses, can similarly choke on food, too but we haven't perfected a Heimlich for Mr. Ed yet.

- Lefty