The End Is Near

Welcome back, all! Just in time for another holiday of sorts, the kind that acknowledges the default local chronology of our solar system rather than the past one which justifies irrational consumer acquisition. Because Jesus.

Now on with the show!

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Hey! You know what I got for Xmas?

A break in.

Yeah.

On Xmas Eve-eve, while I was across town initiating holiday excess with the Lovely Binary Unit, an unknown person attempted to gain access to my crib through my front window, through which she had created a large, jagged hole. The crash of glass was heard throughout my slice of suburbia and so my neighbors were able to intercept her before she made the leap from vandalism to burglary.

My neighbors called me immediately but the perp made tracks long before I or the cops arrived so I'll never know why she picked my house, though she's reported to have said something to the effect of "I'm going to live here now" as she shattered my dining room window. In her wake was left an assortment of accoutrements one might associate with mental illness. I shan't elaborate because it was mostly a sad pile of soggy garbage.

That's the part that bothers me most about this episode. Random burglary is something against which I can prepare effective defense. But a crazy person? You never know when that lightning might double down and they'll reappear late one night piloting a stolen excavator, demanding the release of the man in the iron mask else my septic tank be held forfeit.

I replaced the broken window early the next day with something a bit more shatterproof and then hung around Casa Izquierda all through Xmas, just in case. I'm happy to report no further intrusions, except for Santa. Santa always comes through and he didn't use the window.

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The other semi-important topics of August I found hardest to humorize or lampoon include the following:

GOP recalcitrance causes second ever US credit downgrade.
Allies of Trump charged with attempt to tamper with voting machines.
Biden White House increases wages for union workers.
Jack smith obtains search warrant for Trump Twitter account.
Twitter fined $350k for not providing the Trump Twitter information.
Ohio voters reject GOP attempt to prevent future amendments.
Massachusetts institutes free lunches for schoolchildren.
Judge allows Georgia voters waiting to vote access to food and water.
Secret Service discovered to be in contact with the Oath Keepers prior to J6.
Charges filed against 371 people over $1 billion in stolen Covid-19 relief funds.
Massachusetts community college is now free.
President Biden forgives $72 billion in student debt.
Biden bans tech investments in China.
Virgin Galactic flies first tourists to edge of space.
Trump skips Republican primary debate.