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Fifty Shades of WTF

furry handcuffsThis was a real toughie. I couldn't immediately decide if the word on the sign should read "Dignity", "IQ" or "Standards", but I finally chose the latter as it seemed to cover more ground.

The movie, as though you haven't already heard, is raking in a minor fortune at the box office even though critics generally agree it's a very fragrant species of tripe. Rotten Tomatoes weighs in at 25% favorable while Metacritic gave it a failing grade of 47.

The plot of Fifty Shades of Grey is stunningly ludicrous, and I haven't been as disappointed in America's embrace of a "romantic" film since Pretty Woman.

What? You thought that was a good movie? Really? Yes, I know, it's the top-grossing rom-com of all time but there wasn't one single moment in that film that made a lick of fucking sense. First and foremost we were to believe that a billionaire with the looks and intelligence of Richard Gere is going to be scragging for dates by the hour from his car? Seriously? People, and by "people" I mean "women who have the same fondness for Harlequin novels that Keith Richards has for Mesopotamian reindeer dust", seem to intentionally forget that Vivian, Julia Roberts' character, was an actual prostitute, and it takes a lot of really, really bad personal life decisions to end up as a streetwalker. It's not cute, it's tragic.

(Minor digression: Legalize prostitution, regulate it and tax it.)

The shame of it is that Pretty Woman could have been a very clever movie if Vivian had only been mistaken for a hooker by Richard Gere. She could have just been talking to her hooker friend when Gere drives up. She's obviously a smart person and could have played Gere along just to see what he would do and then found herself trapped in the lie. Who knows, maybe Gere could have seen through her ruse and turned the tables without letting on, making it a real battle of wits. Instead we have Gere forking over his credit cards without hesitation to a whore he just met so she could thrill the audience with a common female sexual fantasy: Shopping for clothes without a limit.



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Theatre showing Fifty Shades of Grey.
Sign says: Your Standards must be this low to enter this theater.