Evaluation
of Species
Somewhere
outside the orbit of the Moon an immense
spacecraft drifts lazily through space,
its engines emitting a low-frequency humming sound
that's eerily similar to the bass-line
of Black
Sabbath's "War Pigs". This is, of course,
only a coincidence though, truth be told,
the aliens within rather enjoy it.
Inside the ship three alien researchers,
whose appearance would make a human want
to instinctively smash them with a rolled-up
newspaper,
are gathered in front of a monitor
in remote consultation with a superior.
We presume it's a superior creature because
he has additional nostrils on his pseudopods.
"Suzerain, this is planet A113, known
locally as "Earth". As you know
the dominant creatures here have
achieved the technical capacity to make
short jaunts
into space and so, as ordered, we have
spent the past twelve planet cycles examining
their
culture in order to ascertain if they pose
a threat to our globular cluster. I am
saddenned to report that, as inventive
as they are,
especially
in
the
arena of recreational chemicals, there
are three criteria which cause us grave
concern."
The figure in the monitor jiggled its head
slightly, causing its eye-stalks to softly
undulate. From the speaker a thin voice
said "I thank you for your service. Please
continue."
"Yes, dominant one. Our first concern is
that a large percentage of the population
still subsists
on animal
flesh."
From three million light years away the
supervisor's skin began to strobe violently
from bright orange to a color that humans
could only recognize as the odor of fermented
guacamole. After several seconds the
chromatic storm slowed, then stopped. An
appendage snaked from under the desk, toggled
the speaker switch, and an uncertain "Go
on" sliced though the air of the scout
ship.
"Our second concern, eminence,
is that they engage, almost continually,
in armed conflict, mostly large-scale
warfare
as
a means
of achieving regional dominance. But we've
also noted many occasions of a culling
of the herd, especially among the very
young at educational facilities. I'm sending
you a selection of images."
As the photos flicked across the screen
the color drained from the supervisor's
skin
and
tears began
to
flow
from its eyes,
if "tears" could be defined as a blood-red
acid the consistency of cookie-dough ice
cream and a halo of pseudo-penises around
what humans would call its head could
be considered "eyes".
Eventually the bubbling, hissing torrent
slowed to a halt and the scouts were
given the silent though unmistakable permission
to continue.
The
head researcher paused for a moment, as
though gathering its courage. It
scanned the data terminal once more then
said "The third area of concern..." before
its voice caught in its thorax. After a
moment it tried again.
"The
third... area of concern..." before
trailing off, again, to silence, broken
only a particularly enjoyable harmonic
from
the
engines and the sudden snap of the intercom.
"Continue!" said the executor.
"They engage in politics, my lord! Please
don't kill me!"
At this the figure in the monitor rose
from its seat. It disappeared into a small
cubicle and, even though the hatch which
closed behind it was capable of resisting
of the full vacuum of
space, the creature could still be heard
violently retching. The sound went on
for a very, very long time.
Eventually
the door opened and the leader returned
unsteadily to its seat. It leaned forlornly
on a pair of tentacles while seventeen
pseuodo-penises gazed glumly at the floor.
The three underlings looked at each other,
wondering what they should do. The biggest
took the initiative.
"Should we... should we implement the extermination
protocol, lord?"
The adjutant didn't even bother to look
up.
"No. No, they'll do that themselves soon enough. Do
you have the samples I ordered?"
"Yes, eminence! We have the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders
in the hold. We should be at rendezvous point in thirty
minutes."
At this the leader's head snapped up, with what any
sentient being could understand as expectant glee.
"And remember," said the captain, "thirty minutes
or they're free."
-------------
Dear Pencil-Necks: I
realize I've been posting the
'toons later than usual lately, and I apologize to
those who awaken each day in gleeful anticipation of
Raging
Pencils
anew, but I don't want to just crank out the first
idea that comes to me. I want each 'toon I do to be
the best I can, even if they sometime suck.
Your pal,
=Lefty=
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