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The Power of Prayer

happy feetOkay, the Massive Rant Engine has been refueled so away we go!


If prayer really worked the safest place to live would be in a mobile home in Tornado Alley.

If prayer really worked Dick Cheney's heart would have been replaced with a potato. (Some say it always WAS a potato, so maybe prayer really DOES work.)

If prayer really worked Stephen Hawking would be starting quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks and we'd have a Grand Unification Theory... or not.

If prayer really worked
Wall Street would go out of business. (Although, come to think of it, those clever, mendacious fucks would probably create a huge bank of computers that could cast naked-reverse wishes billions of times per second.)

If prayer really worked I'd drop dead of a heart attack right n.....




Hah! Nice try, Dick. Fuck you and your little potato heart, too!

If prayer really worked sex would be... oh, God. OH, GOD! NO-NO-NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!!!

If prayer really worked the world would look and operate a lot like Second Life, a virtual world populated by people with the IQs of churros living in mile-high homes made of day-glo-hued genitalia, spending their days dressed as sexy Nazi unicorns and griefing one another.

If prayer really REALLY worked the world as we know it, dominated by creatures driven more by libido than common sense, would be reduced to ashes in less time than it takes to tell. That's why the pious pin their prayerful hopes on more low-yield results like "the phenomenon of the retrieval of lost keys" or "the miracle of passing a test that really wasn't that hard".

So the next time someone says, for example, that they have cancer don't say "I'll pray for you." Say instead "That's terrible. Is there anything I can do? Get better soon but please let me know how you're doing. In the meantime, I'll donate what I can to the American Cancer Society and will reassess my risk factors to lower my chances of getting cancer, too, so we can stay friends forever."


One more thing... this 'toon pitting father against son reminded me of the movie "The Great Santini". It was a critically-acclaimed film, garnering two Oscar nominations in 1979. I was surprised to learn that it premiered on HBO a mere two weeks after opening in theatres because the studio had no faith in it. Yes, Hollywood is a strange place.


end rant

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Jesus: Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.
Yahweh: The HECK they don't! I spent 33 years manipulating, pulling strings, invading dreams, fine-tuning predestination just to make sure you're properly sacrificed.
Savior: Then... that means you're really the one that's torturing me to death. Right?
God: Uh-oh.
The lamb of God: I'm tellin' Mom.

Overturn Citizens United