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Function Over Form

the real jesusIf there was a real Jesus (though not the kind that healed lepers, bullied fig trees, performed magical brunches, etc.) forensic anthropologists have determined that he would have more closely resembled the swarthy scamp on the left rather than the hunky fashion model the Church prefers to promote. The reason for that is simple: The first people to illustrate Jesus were Europeans and they painted what they saw. So long noses, blue eyes, straw-colored hair, assault rifles, etc.

Needless to say, the reasoned sculpting of a Middle Eastern savior by men of science hasn't convinced Christians to stampede their local houses of worship and commence with iconic urban renewal. Nooo, they're just fine with their Aryan superstar, thank you very much. Also, please send money or burn in Hell.

How does the Bible describe Jesus? It doesn't, except in Revelation where he's described as having hair like snow-white wool, eyes of flame, feet of polished bronze, and a roaring voice. Furthermore, his face is as bright as the sun and he's carrying seven stars in his right hand. And, just to top off the image of a deity come to save us all, sticking out of his mouth is a two-edged sword.

Yeah, I know. That's kinda hot. Let's see more of THAT Jesus.

And, yes, there's a secret comic today. Go find it. You know where it is.


Speaking of obvious religious racism, there's a new theatrical version of Exodus out today, directed by Ridley Scott. In it, since this is a Hollywood production, all the good guys are played by white guys even though the original good guys of the Bible were mostly black. Meanwhile, all the bad guys are played by SURPRISE! black guys. This is because Americans, even in this supposedly enlightened age, wouldn't support a Biblical epic that accurately portrayed the races. Otherwise blacks would get all uppity or something. Maybe even run for president. Horrors!

If you're curious about the details please read David Dennis, Jr.'s dandy little review.


One more thing: Google is actively rooting around in email looking for child porn. While that's certainly a worthwhile endeavor it raises a LOT of privacy concerns. In essence, where do they draw the line at slippery slopes? Maybe I don't WANT them to know my secret for winning McDonald's Monopoly game year-in and year-out. Therefore, I'm emailing the following image to everyone I know with a gmail account. Enjoy!

jesus porn


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Woman1: I really hate it when companies manipulate images to create idealized, unrealistic forms just to influence consumers.
Woman2: Yeah! How gullible do they think we are?
Woman1: God only knows.
Two plus-sized ladies talking, one holding fashion magazines. A painting of Jesus dominates the wall.

Overturn Citizens United