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Salesman of A Death

office death"Oh! Hey! Death! Uhh, could you step into my office for a minute?

"Now? It's five o'clock, baby! I got a hot date waiting for me downstairs."

"Yeah, look, um, I know it's Friday and all but I just got a call from corporate and, uhhhh..."

"No. No! No-no-no-no!!"

"They need a soul reaped ASAP."

"ARGH! You're kidding me, right? Because the last time I checked I don't have a label on my forehead that says "Rented mule. Beat here."

"I know, and I'm sorry, but all other available hands have been sent south for the big ebola outbreak. Besides, I got you that spiffy new scythe you keep bragging about. You owe me one."

"Okay, fine. I'll do it, but this sucker is going to regret he ever saw me coming his way. What's the target's name?"



"Robin Williams."

"Robin Williams? THE Robin Williams? The hairy guy with all the movies and awards and stuff? Not the schlub who services A/C units in Wichita?"

"Yeah, the, uh, the famous one."

"Crap! And you picked me for this? Thanks a bunch! My kids'll probably never speak to me again when they find out. I didn't even know he was sick."

"He's not. As we speak he's more-or-less perfectly healthy."

"So what is it? Jealous intern? Terminal botox? Vegan lunch gone horribly awry?"

"Actually, he's depressed."

"HE'S depressed? I'M depressed. If I don't meet Sheila in five minutes..."

"I'm not kidding."

"Oh, God. No. Seriously? He's one of those?"


"Shit. I gotta sit down. Who would have guessed? He's so... jovial and amusing all the time."

"Let me get you some coffee."

"Williams. Jesus! That's just not right. Say, what if I "accidentally" got Dick Cheney by mistake? A coup is just a coup, right?"

"Works for me but corporate would notice pretty quick. Besides, Dick's been good for business."

"That's true. <Sigh> Okay, I'll do it but I'm not reaping Williams today."

"The order said ASAP."

"I know what it says but I'm not calling in his loan on a weekend, goddamit. Everyone's out shopping or mowing the dog or whatever and he'd just get lost in the hubbub. He deserves better than that."

"So when...?"

"Monday. Late Monday. That way he'll get at least a full week of media attention."

"Unless someone more famous dies."

"Or something big goes ker-BOOM! Yeah, I know."

"Here's your ticket. Your plane leaves in two hours. See ya Tuesday."

"You know, this could actually be an opportunity for me because I've alway wanted to meet the guy. Maybe we could spend a little quality time together, perhaps even go out for one last belt."


end rant

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