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Brain Freeze!

bill ryanSpeaking of horrible fairy stories, Beloved Girlfriend and I watched a copy of Frozen this weekend. I've read that this movie has made over a billion dollars in box-office but I can personally name, off the top of my head, at least a hundred other animated features that deserved that billion, or it's nearest adjusted-for-inflation amount, more than this insipid piece of twaddle.

I realize I'm not the target audience for this production but, to be kind, there's not a single moment in the story that made a lick of sense. (Yeah, Disney made a mockery of the original Hunchback of Notre Dame but they made a great movie.)

I'm not going to go into lurid detail but here's a Frozen lowlight or two:

• The story kills the parents off in the first ten minutes, giving the two daughters an excuse to make bad decisions for the rest of the movie. Really? Yes, really.

• The parents lock the (ice) princess in solitary confinement for about three years, minimum, and she's psychologically unaffected by the process. (Oh, wait... she's "cold". Uh-huh.)

• The little sister falls in love with the "perfect guy" who in the last reel suddenly reveals himself as a greedy, murderous psycho, but only because the writer is incapable of thoughtfully presaging his intent.

• Then the little sister falls in love with another lovable hunk who may or may not also be a psycho. We have no way of knowing. All we have is precedent.

• Little Sis goes riding off into an arctic wilderness to find her sister, at night, clad only in a ball gown and a blanket, because hypothermia is comedy gold.

• The Ice Princess is incapable of controlling her ice powers while at the castle but can make soaring architectural masterpieces of ice not twenty minutes later.

• A sword shatters into pieces when it strikes an ice sculpture, because paper-cuts-scissors.

• Worst of all, even though the Ice Princess clearly loves her sister she discovers she can reverse the icy spell of the winter she inadvertently placed over her kingdom when she learns that she loves her sister. I am not kidding.

Furthermore, the two sisters are characterless Barbie dolls who careen from rash to wise decisions only because it moves the story along, not because they're exhibiting any learned behaviors. (Unlike, for example, Brave's Merida.) This thing is really only one small step up from direct-to-video garbage like "Tinkerbell Gets A Brazillian".

I know, I know, it's just a children's movie, but it's a bad one, but since it's made a bazillion dollars it's now a template for similar crap to come.

BTW, if you want a clearer dissection of Frozen, please read Dani Coleman's "The Problem With False Feminism."


end rant

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