Money
For Nothing
 Hello,
Americans! I'm Rand Paul!
The U.N. is on the brink of passing a new international
arms
control law that will crack down on the illicit
trading of small arms and light weapons on the world
market. This treaty is designed to keep such weapons
out of the hands of terrorists, organized crime, bandits,
and drug lords but will in no way affect
the Second Amendment rights of Americans. 153 countries,
including the U.S., have already approved the treaty.
Only Iran, North Korea, and Syria have voted against
it.
This is a commonsense approach to curbing violence
in the world but what kind of shill for the gun lobby
would I be if I neglected to instill in American gun
owners the alarming prospect that
President Obama
will use
this very treaty to take away their guns? Therefore
I offer the following pack of randomly-punctuated utter
nonsense which you will now proceed to swallow
hook, line, and sinker*:
Disguised as an “International Arms Control Treaty” to
fight against “terrorism,” “insurgency” and “international
crime syndicates,” the UN’s Small Arms
Treaty is in fact a massive, GLOBAL gun control scheme.
If passed by the UN and ratified by the U.S. Senate,
the UN “Small Arms Treaty” would almost
certainly FORCE the United States to:
*** Enact tougher licensing requirements, making law-abiding
Americans cut through even more bureaucratic red tape
just to own a firearm legally;
*** CONFISCATE and DESTROY ALL “unauthorized” civilian
firearms (all firearms owned by the government are
excluded, of course);
*** BAN the trade, sale and private ownership of ALL
semi-automatic weapons;
*** Create an INTERNATIONAL gun registry, setting the
stage for full-scale gun CONFISCATION.
***
I'm also going
to use the word Hillary, because the sound of her
name will cause your testicles to crawl up into your
inguinal canal in a type of unconscious reaction no
doubt related
to inadequate maternal affection.
***
Hillary,
Hillary, Hillary.
At this point you're probably quaking with impotent
rage, which makes it the perfect time to con you to
ask you, as a patriotic American, to send me money
to help stop
this
treaty
from being approved although,
in
truth,
there's
nothing I can do to prevent its passage.
But I love
money. It's the reason I'm in politics, second only
to the dank, woody taste of hot, corporate jism. But
don't send your donations of $25, $50, and $100 to
me. Instead, send them to Mike
Stanfill, famed
author
of
the Family Circus
knock-off comic, Raging Pencils. Although he'll
no doubt fritter it away on $500-a-night Filipino
hookers, or food, he'll
certainly be every bit as effective as I in
stopping the U.N. from
snatching
your guns.
Be sure to vote for me in 2016. I know I will.
* Actual Rand Paul nonsense.
=Lefty=
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