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Money For Nothing

I'm a useless dickHello, Americans! I'm Rand Paul!

The U.N. is on the brink of passing a new international arms control law that will crack down on the illicit trading of small arms and light weapons on the world market. This treaty is designed to keep such weapons out of the hands of terrorists, organized crime, bandits, and drug lords but will in no way affect the Second Amendment rights of Americans. 153 countries, including the U.S., have already approved the treaty. Only Iran, North Korea, and Syria have voted against it.

This is a commonsense approach to curbing violence in the world but what kind of shill for the gun lobby would I be if I neglected to instill in American gun owners the alarming prospect that President Obama will use this very treaty to take away their guns? Therefore I offer the following pack of randomly-punctuated utter nonsense which you will now proceed to swallow hook, line, and sinker*:

Disguised as an “International Arms Control Treaty” to fight against “terrorism,” “insurgency” and “international crime syndicates,” the UN’s Small Arms Treaty is in fact a massive, GLOBAL gun control scheme.

If passed by the UN and ratified by the U.S. Senate, the UN “Small Arms Treaty” would almost certainly FORCE the United States to:

*** Enact tougher licensing requirements, making law-abiding Americans cut through even more bureaucratic red tape just to own a firearm legally;

*** CONFISCATE and DESTROY ALL “unauthorized” civilian firearms (all firearms owned by the government are excluded, of course);

*** BAN the trade, sale and private ownership of ALL semi-automatic weapons;

*** Create an INTERNATIONAL gun registry, setting the stage for full-scale gun CONFISCATION.

*** I'm also going to use the word Hillary, because the sound of her name will cause your testicles to crawl up into your inguinal canal in a type of unconscious reaction no doubt related to inadequate maternal affection.

*** Hillary, Hillary, Hillary.

At this point you're probably quaking with impotent rage, which makes it the perfect time to con you to ask you, as a patriotic American, to send me money to help stop this treaty from being approved although, in truth, there's nothing I can do to prevent its passage.

But I love money. It's the reason I'm in politics, second only to the dank, woody taste of hot, corporate jism. But don't send your donations of $25, $50, and $100 to me. Instead, send them to Mike Stanfill, famed author of the Family Circus knock-off comic, Raging Pencils. Although he'll no doubt fritter it away on $500-a-night Filipino hookers, or food, he'll certainly be every bit as effective as I in stopping the U.N. from snatching your guns.

Be sure to vote for me in 2016. I know I will.

* Actual Rand Paul nonsense.


end rant


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