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Bitter-Sweet Success

crabapplesAlthough there's no real evidence for it most devout and secular segments of our population think that it was an apple that Eve consumed in the Garden of Eden, thus dooming mankind to Walmart, Honey Boo-Boo, and rap music (Screw you! It sucks!) If so, the apple in question had to be of the crabapple family as mankind had yet  to develop all the varietals we've come to know and enjoy today. Since no one reading this screed has ever eaten a crabapple I'll describe the taste in one word:


They're small and sour and woody, though edible if you're desperate for a snack and the hunters have yet to return with the wooly mammoth ka-bobs. And don't start whining about crabapple jam. Hell, almost anything tastes good if you plop enough sugar on it, but you have to go pretty low on the locavore scale to decide to start making crabapple jellies. Might as well boil up some slugs.

But I digress.

If you think there are other fruity fish in God's Wading Pool, think again. Eden's bananas would have been starchy and filled with large seeds, the oranges would have been small and tart, and the wild strawberries and blueberries would have been much, much tinier than the supermarket variety. They didn't attain marketable size until mankind got funky with their respective genotypes.

What I'm suggesting is that the Omnipowerful Man Who Sits In The Clouds Watching Us Masturbate did a pretty crappy job when it came to designing the food we were to eventually consume. In a small sense, mankind is more godlike in that we have reengineered the fauna and flora in order to suit our jaded tastes. (For the record, GMO's are creeping me out.)

So don't go thanking God for providing your daily ration of jelly donut, or chicken florentine, or even that can of Spaghetti-O's. Thank yourself for being such clever little monkeys to have repurposed all this available plant and animal material into something awesomely palatable.


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It was my idea to create plutonium the crabapple, and the wolf! Who knew you monkeys would reengineer them as nuclear power plants, the golden delicious, and the poodle? I think I at least deserve a cut of that action!
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