The
Tithe That Binds
 Now
that you've enjoyed today's Raging Pencils cartoon I hope
you will help me spread my comic gospel by generously donating
to me, the Right Reverend Lefty, ten
per
cent of all your yearly earnings, spread evenly across
the coming 52 weeks. If you do so you shall someday gain
eternal salvation, accrue a vast personal fortune,
meet
plenty of
hot chicks, plus other stuff I haven't made up yet. And
all in the name of the Monday, the Wednesday, and the Holy
Friday Comic.
If you decide not to share your hard-earned wages then
you are certainly doomed to eternal damnation, the fiery
pit, a possibly imaginary bad place that's really hot and
filled
with red
guys with pointy horns who poke you with pitchforks. I
know this to be true because I say it's true. I am all-wise
and incorrupt. You can trust me.
The best part about bestowing upon me your meager resources
is that I'll pay no tax on them. Sweet, huh? The vast majority
of the funds will, of course, go to feather my own nest
and, yes, a new Cadillac will not only look great in my
driveway but it will do wonders for my public image. To
allay any outward appearance of greed I promise to give
a very small fraction of donations to certain charities
which I run, mostly
having to do with those adorable wayward boys, and will
also devote the occasional rant to the virtues of poverty.
It's the
least
I can do.
If enough of you suckers fall for this line of steaming
crock, I mean, should your loving gifts of faith be adequate
I plan to employ teams of devoted acolytes to build a mega-website
that will welcome millions of generous, starry-eyed worshippers
every day of every week. I will also host a daily AM radio
program on which I shall share innocuous anecdotes about
progressive comic fans who have gone on to cure AIDS, cultivate
the
Trans-Sahara, and solve the
world's energy
problems
without
the benefit of an engineering background.
Now go, and spread the word of Lefty's Cut-Rate Emporium
of Sin and Redemption, because there's nothing like free
advertising. Hallelujah!
--------------
Speaking of making things up:
God: And remember, Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher,
never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
Moses:
Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and
meat together.
God: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's
milk.
Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are
really saying is we should wait six hours after eating
meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.
God (somewhat annoyed): No, Moses, what I'm saying is,
never cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!
Moses: Oh, Lord!
Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you
mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk
and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we
have to bury that dish outside...
God (exasperated): Ya know what Moses, do whatever you
want....
=Lefty=
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