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The comic about the ramifications of cosmetic surgery on mythical reindeer.
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We're All Misfits

wacky reindeerWhen you think about it, Rudolph's mythically luminescent honker, and the storied success he achieved in spite of it, is almost without comparison in the real world. We don't, for instance, celebrate Donna the Clubfooted Waitress for single-footedly driving invading molemen back to their dark, underground domain. Generally, we put unfortunate creatures like Rudolph on display in freak shows, or give them jobs as contributors on Fox News.

Instead, it's our habit to repair the afflicted the moment we notice something awry the instant they sploosh out the vaginal water slide. If some kid was born with a crimson snoot, or a short length of tail (which happens occasionally) they'd be whisked off to surgery for emergency modifications, which no one in the family would ever speak of again.

It says something about us humans that we seek conformity of appearance. We're inwardly uncomfortable with another human whose body parts either don't line up correctly or manifest elements which don't fit the expected mental template. (This excludes women with stumps, of course, because they're HOT!) And don't get me started about eyebrow rings.

Still, we need our differences. We need to celebrate different cultures and different points of view (as long as they're adequately peer-reviewed). We're not ants, so celebrate yourself and your weirdness.


Speaking of weirdness, it has occurred to me that since most of the entertaining traditions associated with Christmas revolve around hoary pagan rituals (things like feasting, decorating trees, putting up wreaths, mistletoe, holly, and yule logs) it may be time to develop traditions that are more tastefully Bible-y. Like, for instance:

• The Baby Jesus Look-Alike Contest: This event is suitable for all ages and genders as contestants will do their best to create the most convincing or unusual manger/swaddling combination. Family groups are encouraged. To break any ties there will be a swimsuit portion of the program.

• Camel Drag Racing: Camels, and their riders, will compete against each other in quarter-mile sprints to deliver gold, frankincense, or myrrh to the creche at the finish line. The Unlimited category will allow exotic drug combinations in order to wring the last bit of speed out of the mounts, though blown heads are often a result.

• Liars Contest: Pregnant women will appear before an audience and a panel of judges and give the most creative account of their fecundity that does not actually involve sex. Extra points if the story is proven true. Mention of god is not allowed as it's been done to death.

• Stack The Virgins: The idea is to pile twenty virgins (female, and past age of consent) on the back of a donkey as fast as possible. Virgins touching the ground must spend two minutes in the penalty manger. Contest limited to states capable of finding twenty virgins.

• Competitive Birthing: Prospective mothers will line up, on their backs, facing away from the audience, at 11:59, December 24th. At exactly midnight an official will fire his starting pistol and the first woman whose baby is born alive, wins.


And now, because I loathe the song "The Little Drummer Boy" almost more than life itself, here's how I think it should have gone:

The Little Drummer's Parents

Leave, they told us, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
We woke the baby up, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
The place was filled with cows, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
Oh, sure, like we're to blame, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum

rum-pah-pum-pum, rum-pah-pum-pum.

Little baby, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
Our kid's a poor boy, too, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
I got laid off from Sears, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
I bought some thrift-store drums, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum

Rum-pah-pum-pum, rum-pah-pum-pum.

Can he make random noises, rum-pah-pum-pum-
On his drums?

Mary cowered, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
The ox and lamb left town, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
My kid whacked on his drum, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
It made an awful sound, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum

Rum-pah-pum-pum, rum-pah-pum-pum

Then He yowled in pain, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
At us and our drum.

That damned little drum.


end rant

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Rudolph to date: You have by now, no doubt, noticed the Prominent scar on my snout. It is the remnant of a most disfiguring birth defect which mother and father had surgically removed after criticism from my peers. I seldom notice it but it inexplicably acts up on foggy Christmas eves.

Caption: Rudolph Reindeer, CPA.

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