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Para Arriba!

a toast!Rather than run through the rather lengthy litany of god's greatest human design flaws (knees, eyes, appendix, the single hole for both swallowing and breathing, foetal blood circulation, wisdom teeth, etc.) I think I'd rather regale you with a tasty assortment of amusing toasts. (I recommend reading them with an Irish accent.)

"May we live 100 years, and one more to repent!"

"Here's to milk, eggs, bread and cinnamon." (A classic French toast.)

"Drink up, cunts." (Australia only)

"Here's to the floor, who will hold you when no one else will."

"Here's to living single, seeing double, and sleeping triple."

"Here's to swimmin' with bow legged women."

"Here's to the storks that bring good babies, the crows that bring bad babies, and the swallows that bring no babies at all!"

"Here's to that long straight piece in Tetris."

"Here's to panties, they ain't the best thing in the world, but damn close to it!"

"Here's to you and here's to me, the best of friends we'll ever be. And if we ever disagree, well, fuck you and here's to me. "

"Here's to the breezes that blow through the treeses, That lift girls' skirts up above their kneeses, So we may see the things that please us, tease us, and disease us. For all these things, we thank you Jesus."

"Cheers to our parents children; they're the greatest!"

"To Venetian blinds! Otherwise it would be curtains for us all....."

"Here's to the hole that never heals, the more you rub it the better it feels, all the soap this side of hell, could never get rid of that codfish smell."

"May our sons have rich fathers and beautiful mothers."

"Here's to cheating, stealing, fighting and drinking! If you cheat, cheat death. If you steal, steal a woman's heart. If you fight, fight for a brother. And if you drink, drink with me! "

"May those who love us, love us. And those that don't love us, may God turn their hearts. And if he can't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so we'll know them by their limping. "

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
The rains fall soft upon your fields;
And until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

And, finally:

"To the Batmobile!"


end rant

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God: Yes, Adam, it was absurd to design the penis for both peeing and breeding... but no one’s going to urinate when they’re having sex. Right?
Silence from Adam.
God: Eww.
Milk. Bread. Eggs. Flour. Sugar. Condoms.

Overturn Citizens United