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How to Prepare for the Rapture, Part Five

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Jesus Christ! Come On DOWWWWWN!

religious suckersA lot of really greedy people are currently making wheelbarrows full of money from imbeciles by informing them that the Rapture, and all that that implies, is going to occur this Saturday, the 21st of May. For obvious reasons I shall not name these particular greedy swine. Just, you know, take my word for it.

Generally I hate seeing cretins, especially financially-strapped ones, clipped of their hard-earned cash by charlatans with a pocketful of miracles and a wink in their eye (which is one reason I think the lottery's intrinsic usefullness lies just this side of a prolapsed rectum) but in this case I'm all for it.

Please, greedy, hypocritical, religious bastards, bleed these dolts dry. Convince them to pawn their meager possessions and donate all their money to you and your church while they wait for the hand of Jesus to lift them into the clouds. Leave them with nothing but dust and ashes to feed their kids with on the 22nd and maybe, just maybe, the next time you come around they'll hang you by your intestines at the state line.


Note: If you're considering a Rapture Party this weekend somewhere in Dallas, Texas, please please PLEASE let me know and I'll bring the Deviled Eggs.


Well, that wraps up "Rapture Week" at Raging Pencils.... maybe.


Hope you had a good time. It's a good thing nothing serious transpired in politics this week. Looking forward to the usual schedule next week.

Have a lovely, Rapture Free Saturday.



john boehnerFebruary 10, 2011: "We're going to have a relentless focus on creating jobs." - John Boehner.

So far the list of GOP accomplishments for 2011 is:

(1) Attempted curtailing of abortion rights.
(2) Attempted defunding of Planned Parenthood.
(3) Attempted defunding of NPR.
(4) Investigating Muslims.
(5) Declaring English as America's Official Language.
(6) Reaffirming "In God We Trust". Yawn.
(7) Challenging AARP's tax-exempt status.
(8) Approved defunct funding for failed religious schools.
(9) Attempt to destroy Medicaid.
(10) Attempt to destroy Planned Parenthood
(11) Shutting down the government
(12) Attempt to destroy the EPA.
(13) Attempting to eliminate financial counseling.
(14) Passed a House budget that gives $4 trillion in tax cuts to the rich.
(15) Spend $500,000 to discriminate against gays.
(16) Continued toadying for the rich.
(17) Pretending the deficit is to blame for slow job growth.
(18) De-funded SETI. (ARGH!!!!!!!)
(19) Tried to kill Chrysler two years ago... which is now going to pay back all its government loans.
(20) The Judicial Branch of the GOP, the Supreme Court, votes 5-4 to deny consumer class-action suits.
(21) Redefining rape. Yes, redefining rape.
(22) Pushing for spending caps tied to GDP. Bad idea.
(23) Claimed credit for dropping oil prices because they passed a bill.
(24) Refuse to reduce oil subsidies.
(25) Stood helplessly and watched as Senator John Ensign made Bill Clinton look like a Carmelite nun.
(26) Attempt to retool Rep. Paul Ryan's Medicare-killing bill.
(27) Prevented the raising of the federal debt limit. Let the catastrophic job loss begin.
(28) Watches Rome burn with their Wall Street pals.
(29) Filibustered bill to repeal oil subsidies.
(30) Rejected Goodwin Liu for judge simply because Mr. Obama nominated him.

Nope. No job creation here. Seriously. Not a fucking employment sausage. Move along. Move along.

I'll keep adding to this list until the Republican House does something to create jobs. I unhappily predict this is gonna be one lonnnnng list. After all, you don't get rid of a sitting president by helping the economy.


Fox News Lies!And what manner of lie is Fox News spewing today? In desperation, they're misinforming the public about energy-efficient light bulbs. Sigh.

Click here to help Drop Fox from your cable system.

end rant

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How To Prepare For The Rapture: Part Five

Jesus: Okay, the Rapture is nigh, so it's time for everyone to prepare themselves to ascend into Paradise ... Except those who:
Committed murder, Stole something, Ate shrimp, Are employed as fortune tellers, Wore cotton/poly blends, Walked after their own devices, Looked on a woman with lust, Had sex outside of marriage, Drink alcohol, Smoke cigarettes, Kicked anyone in the testicles, Not eating meat, Were disobedient to their parents, Practice transvestism, Mocked someone, Used drugs, Visited while at work, Believe evolution, Joked around, Committed adultery, Killed a mother bird in the nest, Expressed jealousy, Murmured to themselves, Loved pleasures more than God, Lied, Admired the rich, Didn't help the poor, Neglected to tithe god with mint and cumin and anise, Expressed pride, Engaged in quarreling, Were tempted by desire, Were scornful, Have tattoos, Broke a truce, Paid unfair wages, Took someone to court, Haven't read the Bible...

And wasted time reading cartoons like this one... probably.
See you in Hell, suckers!