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Neolithic bucket list.

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Better Get Your Bucket

i has a bucketYou know about the Bucket List, right? It's this self-entitled boomer fantasy that a person's life will magically have deeper meaning if they create an inventory of all the goofy, pointless shit they need to do before they die and, on the odd eventuality that they bother to turn off the TV and get off the couch, actually undertake them.

You know the sort of things I mean... snort a line of coke off Angelina Jolie's uvula or rock-climb Mount Rushmore in a bunny suit or hang-glide with Joe Biden over an active volcano.

For you, personally, creating one of these things may be a hoot but listening to someone enumerate their Bucket List is like enduring a recitation of this weird dream they had last night after eating a whole broccoli-and-goat-cheese pizza.

Shoot me.

Look, if you have to make a Bucket List you're automatically a loser anyway. You see, the rich and powerful don't make bucket lists... they LIVE the bucket list. Every goddamn day. Sadly, this usually manifests itself as 300-foot yachts with the bilges crammed full of underage Phillipino sex slaves but, hey, it's not near as exciting as refilling propane tanks down at the Walgreens. Right?

Yet, despite all my kvetching I have, believe it or not, a bucket list of my own. Here it is:

(1) Leave behind as small a greasy stain on this benighted planet as possible.


Beloved Girlfriend and I went to see The King's Speech this weekend. Nothing explodes, there were no rapid-cut action shots and no one was killed by a crazed lunatic hovering just off-camera. It's the intriguing story of a king and his speech threrapist.

It was wonderful.

Still, it's rated R for language. Seriously. The King's Speech is limited to the same audience as Saw. That's like comparing O'Doul's and MD 20/20. Corvairs and Corvettes. Charles Nelson Reilly and Charlie Sheen.

What's more idiotic than this is that Hollywood is busy bowdlerizing the film in order to make it more acceptable to general audiences.

In case you're one of those people who believe that certain words will crumble your RNA like so much Melba toast and result in your being sent to the hot place below where guys with horns prod the Damned with pitch-forks, look away now because here they are, hot off the soundtrack:

Fuck. Shit. Tits.

That's it. You could probably hear worse than that on America's Funniest Home Videos... from a cat. And this is not Glengarry Glen Ross as the invectives only fly for a very brief, non-gratuitous time. (BTW, please go watch Glengarry Glen Ross if you haven't already. It, too, is a very worthy film.)

Please, do not encourage Hollywood's continuing reach-around of the lowest common denominator by supporting the PG-13 version of The King's Speech with your hard-earned cash. The R version is, in any sane world, a G-rated film.


Fox News Lies!Hey, guess what? Fox News continues to lie.

Tell your local cable provider to remove them from your monthly bill.


end rant

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Words carved on cave wall.
1.Stay warm.
2. Stay fed.
3. Don't get eaten.

Caveman 1: What that?
Caveman 2: Bucket list.