'Twas
the Night Before Christmas...
the Engineer's Version.
'Twas
the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding
the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout the
place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence
among the possessors of this potential, including that
species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus (mouse).
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant
to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent
visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose
folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St.
Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced
in their respective accommodations of repose, were
experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of
variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through
their cerebrums.
My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal
head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage
of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior
portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony
of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining
the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers
sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the
lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the
surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might
be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself
- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs
to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance
drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer,
piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient
and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me
that he was indeed our anticipated caller.
With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may
possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic
alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath
musically through contracted labia, and addressed each
of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now
Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to
the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through
which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations
of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location,
and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished
visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a
downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage.
He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the
ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels
which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance
to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora
of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a
commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity,
while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every
evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of
his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged
with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers,
the former approximating the coloration of Albion's
floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium,
or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials
resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and
their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like
small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking
piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about
his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal
circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent
abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated
fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in
short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund,
multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom
rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort
to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then
elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly
to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part
was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling
the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of
the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted
from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported
cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he
executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual
digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ,
inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking,
and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating
(in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself
in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical
expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter
to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded
to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly
among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But
I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately
prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic
Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that
self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously
beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between
sunset and dawn."
(No, I did not write this and I do not know who did,
but I thank them, anyway. =Lefty=)
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