New, free webcomics every Monday, Wednesday & Friday!
pump high heel sandal
Raging Pencils Comic
God sorts 'em out.

Bookmarkathon Emailathon Twitterathon RSSathon

Looking for a certain RP comic and/or Rant and can't find it?

HTML Comment Box is loading comments...

start rant

Leveling Up

kill 'em all.It all started with some guy entering the post office, waving a shotgun around and shouting "Kill 'em all! Let God sort 'em out!"

The next thing I know I'm standing in front of a pair of huge golden gates, little clouds swirling about my ankles. I could only suppose that I was in Heaven, which came as quite a shock as I've never been what you call a raging fundamentalist.

Over to the right I see some guy with a long beard, a white robe and a pair of wings manning the gates, deeply interested in what looks like a Sudoku puzzle. I walk up to him, dodging a stray cumulo nimbus or two, and ask what I'm supposed to do next.

"Next? Why, earn your eternal reward, of course."

"But... I'm an atheist", I said.

"So? Go on. Enjoy yourself. Have a good time."

"But isn't God supposed to, you know, sort us out or something?"

The Gatekeeper's head popped up from his puzzle and told me that I'd been watching too many movies. That, in fact, we're all God's children and that no one goes to Hell because there is no such thing.

"But... the Bible says..."

"God didn't write the Bible, young man," he said patiently, jotting down a number or two. "Men wrote it, and for no other reason than to claim authority of God's divine will. Pretty silly if you ask me."

"Besides", the Gatekeeper went on, "If God had written a book no living human would have been able to comprehend it. In the grand scheme of this vast universe Mankind is a very insignficant organism."

With a flourish he filled in three more squares.

"Then why is there a Heaven? I'm sure God is capable of creating such a thing but what's in it for him?"

"Ah, but this isn't Heaven." He paused to fill in a square. "This is just your subjective perception of Heaven. A one-size-fits-all Paradise would be a most unpleasant place for everyone. Wouldn't you agree?"

"Oh, I get it. The afterlife is limited by my frame of reference, yet I still have free will."


"So if I wanted a mile-wide flat-screen TV and an olympic pool-sized hot tub full of Swedish Hooter girls...

"Look, look, look... if you simply want to indulge in primitive reproduction techniques and rot what's left of your mind with popular culture then just reincarnate and quit bothering me." With that he finished off another sub-section, obviously pleased with the result.

"Wait... I could reincarnate? Really?"

"Certainly. The soul is immutable so it has to be somewhere. Keep in mind, however, that as attractive as reincarnation sounds you could end up an Afghan tribeswoman next time. If so, you can kiss your clitoris goodbye."

"Ooh. Hadn't thought of that. So the alternative is to step through those gates and... what?"

He bent down to his puzzle, turned his back, and resumed filling in squares.

"To be honest, I don't know. No one's ever returned to tell me. So what have you decided?"

"I think you know."

"Good lad. Off you go, then."

"Thank you."

As I stepped through the gate I looked back to see the old man fill in the final square of the puzzle. A lone figure appeared from the mist and the Gatekeeper smiled as he turned the page and began again.


On the Fifth Day of Xmas Shopping my Reddit Secret Santa gave to meeeeeee:

happy saturnalia shirtA "Happy Saturnalia" T-Shirt


end rant

What's in Mike's iPod?
"Chiron Beta Prime" by Jonathan Coulton

Today's amazing mystery comic is:


Raging Pencils is an imported conceit of:

Mike Stanfill, Private Hand
Mike Stanfill, Private Hand
IllustrationFlash AnimationWeb Design

Can't make sense of the news? Try our selection of progressive nosh:
DailykosCrooks and LiarsThink ProgressTalking Points Memo

Censored comic

Earthlings: Kill 'em all! Let God sort 'em out!

God: Socks. Socks. Underpants. Socks. Towel. Shirt. Socks.

Caption: How God more likely sorts them out.