New, free comics every Monday, Wednesday & Friday!
pump high heel sandal
Raging Pencils by Mike "Lefty" Stanfill

Slug of the Baskervilles.

Bookmark me Contact me Twitter me, Arthur.

Raging Pencils is a slimy conceit of:

Mike Stanfill, Private Hand
Mike Stanfill, Private Hand
IllustrationFlash AnimationWeb Design

Today's mystery web comic is:

start rant

Empty Stockings

bacon, the gateway meatI hate to tell you this but the Salvation Army believes that if you're gay you should be celibate.

That's right, if you have a feverish hankerin' for the nether regions of the same sex you should instead just wash the cat or recite Armenian haikus. Anything but rub yourself vigorously against the hoo-ha or the thing-a-ma-doodle of the object of your affections.

Don't believe me? You can read it for yourself in the "Homosexuality" section of the Salvation Army's "Position Statements" page to be found here.

The Salvation Army is, of course, free to be all the neanderthal asswipes they can be. This is, after all, America, where such intolerance can win you a senate seat in certain southern states. But just keep in mind which Americans they're discriminating against the next you see that red pot at the entrances to malls, shops and stores.

This, of course, means you homophobes reading this rant will just dig that much deeper the next time you're confronted by the happy, bigoted minions of the SA, if only to bolster your innate fears of things you don't understand. Fine. As long as someone is benefitted and you're out cold, hard cash.


If, however, you're not a complete knucklehead and prefer to benefit a charity that helps everyone, even southern fundamentalist heterosexuals, then please donate generously to Second Harvest/Feeding America as they don't care whose bellies they fill with good, nourishing food. The hoo-ha rubbing they leave to you.

And thanks.

Addendum: I just learned that in 2004 New York City was proposing legislation requiring all firms doing business with the city to offer health benefits to the partners of gay staffers.

The Salvation Army's response was to threaten to pull all of their New York charities.


Since they had contracts worth millions of dollars with the city they eventually caved. They chose money over  belief. What else is new?


orphanAnd now a friendly warning... if you're wandering the aisles of your local video store and chance upon a title called "Orphan", keep moving. The packaging gives the indication that this is a sophisticated horror film involving a disturbed little orphan girl. It's actually a 4th-rate pot-boiler where every plot device is predicated on its characters acting like they've been storing their brains in lukewarm pickle juice for the past several years.

Okay, it's spoiler time. Here's the movie's "shocking" plot twist:

The orphan girl is really a thirty-something dwarf who has escaped from a Russian mental hospital. She spends her life disguised as an artistically gifted 9-year-old, fake pre-pubescent teeth and all, letting herself be serially adopted and then killing all the members of each new family in order to eventually seduce, and then kill, the father.

Beats working in an office, I guess.

And, yes, I said "seduce", but don't get your hopes up, pedophiles. The scene is about as graphic as a J.C. Penney's newspaper ad yet it's the single most creepy, cringingly awful romantic moment in the history of mainstream film.

Let me also add that wherever this girl shows up people die, houses burn down and no one suspects a thing. Because she's nine, you see.

Don't let the hilariously favorable fake reviews on fool you. This is not just a bad movie, this is punishable.


end rant

Raging Pencils salutes the Mystery Readers of
Issy-les-moulineaux, France
Whoever you are, thanks for reading my impulsive little 'toon.

Still hungry for real news and analysis? Try our selection of progressive nosh:
DailykosCrooks and LiarsThink ProgressTalking Points Memo

Today's Google Chow.

Slug with bullet in its head.

Caption: Thanks to Sir Malcolm and his oddly prescient supply of silver nitrate bullets the reign of terror, waged upon the denizens of #37 Brambley Close by the wereslug of the Baskervilles, was brought to a swift and merciful end.

Slug: "Man, that smarts!"