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Raging Pencils by Mike "Huggy-bunny" Stanfill

Karl Rove's love-child

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Raging Pencils is a minor personal conceit of:

Mike Stanfill, Private Hand
Mike Stanfill, Private Hand
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start rant

On Your Marks. Get Set. Click.

"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." - Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator

stupid sportsLong Story Short: Once every four years is too soon.

I can hardly wait for the Olympics to begin. That way, they'll be over sooner and we can get back to important things like bridge maintenance and random lawn jockey demolition.

I don't know about you, but I began losing interest in the whole damn proposition about the time Rhythmic Gymnastics and Synchronized Swimming were added to the roster.

Those, and Freestyle Eyebrow Plucking.

Look, to me sporting events should be judged in absolutes. Which individual can jump highest, throw longest, run farthest or fart loudest. This rule would automatically exclude team sports as they're not about individual achievement. Frankly, all those other fat guys on the 440-meter relay team just drag the average of the fastest guy down, anyway.

I'm sure that particular viewpoint will be very unpopular but think about it... any jerkoff can rig up a set of rules for a new and bizarre sport involving groups of individuals and a large wedge of Gouda cheese and eventually get it added to the Olympic schedule. But this logically means that the number of new sports is virtually infinite. At the rate we're currently adding games by the year 3012 the Olympics will not be just every four years, but a four-year-long event.

The Games That Never End. Brought to you by Haliburton. "You deserve a war today".

The big problem for me are these recently-added events designed specifically to broaden the Olympic's female demographic. Frankly, I could care less what you can do with a piece of ribbon, a hoop and Enya's Greatest Hits unless it involves a pair of split-crotch panties and a quart of Aunt Jemima pancake syrup. Then I'll Tivo the sumbitch and put it on heavy rotation.

If you like sports that are judged by how "pretty" the performance is then put it on the Estrogen Channel, call it the Vagina Monogolympics and be done with it.

This is all just common sense, folks. We don't all appreciate baseball, football, basketball etc. equally, save for those dicks who will use any excuse to avoid talking to the wife. If one size truly fitted all then why not just lump in the Special Olympics and the Para Olympics to the main event and get it all out of the way at once?

I'm just sayin'.


end rant

100% Free Bonus Snark!

Senatorial hopeful Al Franken draws a perfect map of the USA
while answering questions. A pretty neat trick. Good luck, Al!

One Last Additional Spleen-Venting Snark

mallard fillmore sucks

(This is Bruce Tinsley's Mallard Fillmore comic from 8-4-08)

Yes, Bruce, let's not mention the fact that the McCain's are poised to make a zillion dollars in profits from this curiously-timed sale.

Mr. Tinsley is obviously a man who could stand and watch Cindy McCain pilot her private jet six feet over his head, trailing the carcasses of a hundred unborn kittens on fish-hooks, and still remain composed enough to wonder out loud what brand of French-made mousse Mr. Obama might use on his hair.

People like Bruce Tinsley are why the words "tar" and "feathers" became so closely associated. Unfortunately, newspapers own all the feathers and Republicans control the strategic tar reserves.

Today's Google Chow.
Aliens vs. Bush vs. Roe vs. Wade
"Hello, Dick? I was just, uh, wondering how married we are to this whole "pro-life" thing.... oh, no reason."