On Your Marks. Get Set. Click.

"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." - Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator

Long Story Short: Once every four years is too soon.

I can hardly wait for the Olympics to begin. That way, they'll be over sooner and we can get back to important things like bridge maintenance and random lawn jockey demolition.

I don't know about you, but I began losing interest in the whole damn proposition about the time Rhythmic Gymnastics and Synchronized Swimming were added to the roster.

Those, and Freestyle Eyebrow Plucking.

Look, to me sporting events should be judged in absolutes. Which individual can jump highest, throw longest, run farthest or fart loudest. This rule would automatically exclude team sports as they're not about individual achievement. Frankly, all those other fat guys on the 440-meter relay team just drag the average of the fastest guy down, anyway.

I'm sure that particular viewpoint will be very unpopular but think about it... any jerkoff can rig up a set of rules for a new and bizarre sport involving groups of individuals and a large wedge of Gouda cheese and eventually get it added to the Olympic schedule. But this logically means that the number of new sports is virtually infinite. At the rate we're currently adding games by the year 3012 the Olympics will not be just every four years, but a four-year-long event.

The Games That Never End. Brought to you by Haliburton. "You deserve a war today".

The big problem for me are these recently-added events designed specifically to broaden the Olympic's female demographic. Frankly, I could care less what you can do with a piece of ribbon, a hoop and Enya's Greatest Hits unless it involves a pair of split-crotch panties and a quart of Aunt Jemima pancake syrup. Then I'll Tivo the sumbitch and put it on heavy rotation.

If you like sports that are judged by how "pretty" the performance is then put it on the Estrogen Channel, call it the Vagina Monogolympics and be done with it.

This is all just common sense, folks. We don't all appreciate baseball, football, basketball etc. equally, save for those dicks who will use any excuse to avoid talking to the wife. If one size truly fitted all then why not just lump in the Special Olympics and the Para Olympics to the main event and get it all out of the way at once?

I'm just sayin'.

=mike=