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At the Movies

"Star Wars: A new Hope" reviewed by Donald J. Trump

It was raining at Mar-A-Lago so I couldn't play golf yesterday. I couldn't believe it. I pay millions of dollars, of which I don't really pay anything, believe me, to play golf at this beautiful establishment, you really ought to check it out, and it's raining. It doesn't rain like this in North Korea, I can tell you that. Rocket Boy tells me he controls the weather there so that it's always nice, especially when he publicly executes the press which, you know, I'd never do even though the media would love it if I executed them. They'd love nothing better than to write fake news about their own deaths, which would be totally their own fault, by the way.

All my friends... you know them, Ike, Bruce, Marc... great buncha guys, one of 'em owned Spider-Guy until Disney bought it for like a hundred billion dollars, all said they were busy making the VA great again so Melanie said the family ought to watch a movie together. I don't personally care for movies if I'm not in them because they're all losers, you know, I won't have them in the house, but Barron said he wanted to watch this one called "Star Wars", which he said was a classic. I don't know where he got it so I can't tell you if he pirated it or not because that's between him, me, and Rudy Giuliani.

That title "Star Wars" really threw me because I thought it was gonna be about losers like Clooney and Baldwin, who aren't really great stars like me, punching and punching each other in a boxing ring, which would be a very good idea even though, as you all know, I don't condone violence, believe me.

The movie was actually about this big, really impressive guy, they called him Vader, dressed all in black and he had all these great powers, like he could lift his interns by the neck with just his great mind, though I would never ever think of doing something like that, and he had this huge moon that shot lasers out of its eye and it could explode whole planets, which was really cool, not to mention a whole fleet of space battleships that could just go zip-zoom-zap and be in another part of space, like in an instant. One of those would save us billions over Air Force One. Maybe I'll ask Congress for one of those, or maybe not. Who knows?

And, would you believe it? This Vader was the bad guy. He could do, like, anything he wanted but some little chick, I called her I Wanna Laya, and some old guy named Wasabi or something convinced some other guys to wreck the laser-moon by dropping a nuke down the poop chute. It was terrifying the way it blew up. Think about how much that laser-moon cost to build. Those guys would have never tried that if Putin built it, I tell you that much.

So, to sum up, I think this movie was a great argument for a new Space Force. I mean, if our military budget has proved anything it's that you can't spend too much money defending your giant laser-moon, uh, I mean, American freedoms from poop-chute nukes.

Three stars.


I am the Red Hen. I am Maxine Waters. I am Patricia Okoumou. I am Kristin Mink. I am Robert De Niro. I am David Hogg. I am Emma Gonzelez. I am Mike Avenetti. I am Stormy Daniels. I am Rachel Maddow. I am Pickaxe Guy. I am LeBron James. I am Robert Mueller. I am Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Fuck Trump.


end rant

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