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The Big C.

where's my fucking question mark?I did a really strange thing today...

I needed something to perk me up (I don't drink soda) so I had a cup of coffee. This is only my second cup in 17 years. I know this because Beloved Girlfriend has apparently been keeping close track of my java intake. (Such scrutiny would ordinarily be cause for alarm but, frankly, I'd rather have an obsessive girlfriend than one who dallies with the pool boy while I'm out abusing myself in the holy water at the local tabernacles.)

BTW, when I say "coffee" I mean a little instant dark roast with just enough hot water to dilute it, just enough cold water to civilize it, and just enough sugar to make it palatable. For me, this is not a ritual celebrating the miracle of St. Juan Valdez, this is medicine.

Ya see, normally I'm one of those infuriating types who don't rise from a fitful night of anxiety dreams involving rabid Czechoslovakian vacuum cleaners and immediately lurch towards the coffee-maker, unable to manifest a detectable heartbeat until a full, steaming cup of joe has been quaffed and most of the clever motto on the outside cup has been licked off. (This, incidentally, describes every woman I've ever loved. Both of them. The other 73 were "just friends". That's my story and I'm sticking to it.)

To be honest, the last thing I've needed in my life is caffeine as I'm normally pretty perky. In the mid-80s I drank no more caffeinated drinks than your average podiatrist, a mere six-pack or two with my Hungry Man chicken-and-ocelot TV dinner, but the subsequent inability to sleep eventually put me in the hospital with panic attacks. Lesson learned.

Don't get me wrong. I like coffee, particularly the aroma, but I don't NEED it. So why now? And why am I going on about it?

It's because I think I'm getting old and feeble-minded, and that bugs me, and I'm just hypochondriacal enough to need an audience when I'm feeling whiny. Maybe I've had too many late nights feeding my late cat, Romeo, every four hours like a kitten. Or maybe I've spent too time on the /r/ArmadillosGoneWild subReddit, jacking it to lurid, placental GIFs.

All's I know is I think a little chemical dependence would be good for me right now, although if a recreational vehicle packed with expresso machines "mysteriously" shows up in my driveway please alert Caffeine-Anon.

Or A&E.


end rant

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