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Reaper's Little Helper

candy store "You know, being the reaper of souls used to be an interesting job, although in the beginning the variety of deaths was basically a long string of 'Eaten by tiger, eaten by lion, eaten by honey badger' broken up by the occasional rash of deaths by flood or volcano.

Then mankind got its technological butt in gear and dreamed up all manner of inventive ways to kill one other. Death by spear, death by arrow, sword, pike, mace, cannon ball... man, I was a kid in a candy store. Then the diseases got a solid footing and it was an endless stream of polio, smallpox, cholera, dysentery, you name it.

Good times, man.

Then tobacco came along. Yeah, tobacco was my hands-down favorite as it worked subtly, delicately, killing you years later in a zillion different ways with a zillion little cancers. And cancer. Sweet, beautiful cancer.

Nowadays, pfffft. It's gunshot, gunshot, gunshot. Man, I'm tellin' ya, if my 401(k) had performed better I'd be in Hawaii already, knocking back margaritas and scopin' the beach bunnies.

Well, it's been great bending your ear but evidently Syria's going nuclear and I got a job to do. See you later, and I mean that sincerely."


junk kingFor the record, 487 children and teens have been killed by gunfire since the massacre at Newtown.


The most eye-catching quote of the day:

"If a Russian Edward Snowden ended up in JFK Airport, there is no way in hell we'd turn him over to the Russians." - Julia Ioffe


Thanks to the obstructionist, racist, Republican Party the 113th Congress set all kinds of records for inactivity. They passed so few useful bills that you can scan the entire list in just a few minutes on this handy web page.


Speaking of laziness, there's been a persistent myth going around that vegetables can only provide the proper amino acids when eaten in careful combinations. This is, however, only a myth.


And kudos to Lavabit, a ten-year-old firm offering secure email services that chose to shutter its doors rather than bend to the prying eyes of the NSA. Good fortune to ye, lads.


end rant


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Death's Boss: Ralph, this is Jason. He'll be reaping the souls of young American gunshot victims. Goodness knows you could use the help.

Overturn Citizens United