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Pontius Pilate's bug collection.
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Tell Everyone

tell no one movie I saw two movies this weekend, each polar opposites of one another. I'd like to tell you my reaction to each.

The first was Star Trek Into Darkness and oddly enough, it was perfectly described by the Bard when he said "Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." For two hours a lot of noise and pretty colors flashed across the screen but by the end none of it made a lick of sense, especially that part about, well, everything. (Although special note must be made of Kirk's cell phone call to Scotty across half the known universe.) I suppose audiences today prefer such total gibberish because this insipid treacle made a fuckload of money.

The second movie was a 2006 French film called Tell No One (Ne le Dis à Personne). It's a smart, gleefully intricate crime drama/murder mystery with a female villain who will give you bad dreams. Most importantly, not one single car chase. I sat in satisfied awe as the credits rolled, digesting the flood of plot twists that cascaded over me during the final reel.

Star Trek Into Darkness is a big bowl of Pop Rocks and Red Bulls rammed down your throat with a funnel and a rolled-up Archie comic. I not only want my two hours and my two dollars back I also want the heads of the three writers on a pike, planted in front of Graumann's Chinese as a warning to anyone else who dares to plunder, pillage, or otherwise despoil my childhood for a few hundred measly million bucks.

Tell No One
is a medium-rare steak and a Waldorf salad, accompanied by a vintage wine, all hand-fed to you by Helen Mirren as Miss World blows you under the table. It's available on streaming Netflix, with subtitles. Go watch.


end rant


Ahhh, what does Neil DeGrasse Tyson know? A lot, actually.

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Teacher, to Pontius Pilate: Sorry, Sunshine, but the assignment was for a bug collection. Not a praying mantis pinned to a little cross made of popsicle sticks.

Caption: It was shortly after this ugly flirtation with the natural sciences that little Pontius Pilate's teachers began steering him in the direction of government work.

Overturn Citizens United