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three signs of cancer
The three signs of cancer.

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I Never Metastasis I Didn't Like.

Facebook cancerTom? Tom Tumor, is that you?

Well, if it ain't my old pal Neo Plasm. How you been, buddy?

I'm doing pretty good, Tom. Thanks for asking. Remember that little enterprise I started in the pancreas last year? Believe it or not, it's metastisizing like mad and we're thinking about expanding into the liver before the end of the year.

Really? That's awesome!

Sure is. How about  you?

Me? Nothing. I'm still down at the old colorectal grind.

That shithole?

Dude, it's a paycheck.

Whoa! Don't get mad.

I'm not. I'm just on edge because there's rumors that the boys in the head office are investing heavily in fiber. This could wipe us out.

You still in the transverse?

Nope. Got kicked up to the ascending colon. Got a corner office with a key to the executive polyp and everything.

Cool. You still seeing that girl? What's her name...?

Leia Myoma?

Yeah! Leia! Did you two ever get hitched?

(Sigh) No. I always dreamed of a big family of invasive oncogenes but it turned out she was benign. Last I heard she'd joined an order of fibroid nuns.

Gee, that's too bad. She was quite the petri dish. Did you hear the news out of Femurzuela?

That place down south? Yeah, I think I heard something about it. The guy who runs the place, Lou Qemia, is sick or something. What have you heard?

He got the cancer-cancer.



From what?


No kidding. Think the government is in on it?

Wouldn't surprise me. The guy was throwing a real monkey wrench in the red blood cell pipeline. He's certifiably pathological.

Ain't that the truth.

Well, Tom, it's been fun but I have to be moving along. My business isn't ulcerating itself. Say hello to the boys down in the colon for me.

Will do. And don't take any wooden blastomas.


As it turns out, resarchers actually ARE giving cancer a form of cancer.


And, finally:

Doctor: Well, Mr. Johnson, I have some good news and some bad news.
Patient: What's the bad news?
Doctor: You have an incurable cancer, and you probably have less than a month to live.
Patient (stunned): Well... what's the good news?
Doctor: Did you see that hot nurse out in the reception area?
Patient: Um... yeah?
Doctor: I'm fucking her.


end rant

Cancer survivor Julia Sweeny gives "The Talk".


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Google Chow (Just pretend this isn't here.)

Doctor and patient.

What's the prognosis, doc?
So we infected your cancer with cancer.
Fortunately, your cancer has cancer, too.
What does that mean?
It means dead cancer, so you have nothing to worry about.
Does a minor heart attack count?
I suggest you go home and put your affairs in disarray.

Overturn Citizens United