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Easter is a trap.
It's a trap!

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Eostre time again.
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Hoppin' Mad

killer easter bunnyA long, long time ago, when I was just a kidling, our Easter morning tradition was for us kids to don our fanciest duds and then pile into the family heap, each sib clutching his or her empty easter basket close to their hearts in an expectant death grip. Dad would then chauffeur us down to the local park, or down by the levees, aimlessly tooling along whistling a happy tune. Eventually he'd find the perfect spot, stop the car, get out, and ceremoniously hand the keys over to Mom. In his hand, appearing as if by magic, was a large and somewhat menacing stick, which he earnestly said he would be using to beat the eggs out that dang old easter bunny.

Yeah, that was Dad.

I really wanted to stay and watch this amazing spectacle but Mom had orders to take us kids sight-seeing out of visual range of Dad's lapinal assault. Finally, after about twenty exciting minutes of trees, trees, and more trees we arrived back where we started, Dad waving us in like a DC-10.

The scene was always disappointingly free of carnage, no blood or shreds of rabbit flesh, but any disappointment was soon mollified by tantalizing hints of colored objects rising up among the sticker patches. The melee that followed, I'm sad to say, was unextraordinary. You seen one Easter scrum, you seen 'em all.

If I'd had kids of my own there's no doubt I would have kept Dad's memory alive with a few rabbit-thumpings of my own, so I'll just have to settle on sharing a little bit of the old guy with you this Easter.


end rant

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There you have it, brothers. We've appropriated the pagan Saturnalia to celebrate Jesus's birth and the pagan Eostre to celebrate his death. Any questions?

Yes, are there any pagan celebrations that involve the ritual sexual abuse of young boys?

Umm, no, but there's the Lughnassdh, where they gather the last of the wild herbs.

Close enough.

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