Bad
Romance
 My
personal jackpot in the Unfortunate Courtship Performance
Jamboree involved the first three young women, all
of whom I dated for prolonged periods, with which
I engaged in Advanced Romantic Gymnastics.
To
be blunt, each of them had difficulty, umm, achieving
optimal humidity in the Moan Zone.
These women exist. You know it and I know it. Nowadays
the remedy can be found at the nearest drugstore,
right by the cash register next to the patchouli oil
and the Snickers Bars, but at the time neither the
objects of my affection nor I had the faintest idea
why it
was
so
difficult
to shove the toothpaste back into the tube, so to speak.
Such was my luck.
And yet, we persevered because we were young and dumb
and in love and boiling over with Mother Nature's hot,
steamy hormonal bouillabaisse.
The odd thing is, when at last I discovered a young
suffragette whose apparatus functioned flawlessly I
thought
something
had gone hideously wrong. Her slip-n-slide was so adroitly
pomaded with Aphrodite's sweet relish that I felt rather
lost in action. It was.... too easy.
Afterwards, like any male worth his
salt, I blamed my awkward performance on the young
lady herself, imagining her and assorted visiting basketball
teams whiling away the hours between tip-offs inventing
any number of curious new lay-up and pick-n-roll varietals.
As a result of meager accumulated wisdom I eventually,
of course, absolved her of any blame.
I like to think the more adult nooks and crannies of
the internet have served to help dispel such obvious
naivete among our nation's emerging population of potential
profligates, but I have to admit there's a certain
amount of fun in doing everything wrong in this regard.
And
there's
nothing, NOTHING, like practice, practice, practice.
----------
 I discovered this past Friday that my beloved 12-year-old uber-cat has
diabetes.
For
almost the entirety of those twelve years my vet would cluck his tongue each
time
I
took
her in for a check-up, warning
me
that
my
black, fuzzy
butterball
was ripe for such a dire affliction.
The funny thing is, she'd lost almost five pounds over the past year and a half.
Eight
months
ago I
got
a
second
opinion
on
her
weight loss but neither doctor could pin-point the cause. All her vitals were
normal,
she was
simply losing weight.
But the real reason for the loss of poundage, I suspect, resulted from
the
stress
of dealing with a pair of kittens I adopted in the winter of 2010. Uber-kitty
had,
up
until that point, pretty much owned the joint and she, none-too-surprisingly,
didn't
take
to
sharing
the
property
graciously.
The good news is that with proper care cats can sometimes regain pancreatic function.
I'm hoping for the best but, for now, I get to poke the fuzzball full of holes,
instead
of vice-versa.
=Lefty=
------------
Republican Job Creation Update
 "We're
going to have a relentless focus on creating jobs." -
John Boehner, February 10, 2011.
The following is #72 in a list of Republican
job creation activities
since they gained control of the House in 2011. None,
sad to
say,
have
yet to result in one, single new job.
(72) 8-29-2011: Suppose you have a job but you need
help with your mortgage. There's still $30 billion
in the Troubled
Asset Relief Program but the GOP wants
to re-route that money to the federal deficit. This
means more people will
lose their homes and perhaps become homeless. Eventually
jobless. Nice work, GOP.
------------
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