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Rhymes With Orange
Randi Rhodes

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Ink-jet printers and cars have a lot in common.

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Face The Music

facebook sucksFacebook has become sort of a necessary evil these days. It sucks, everyone knows it sucks, but everyone is also expected to show up and regurgitate all of their most intimate secrets for the benefit of their friends and family.... not to mention FB's hefty profit margin.

What? You didn't know there's money, LOTS of money, to be made in them thar data-mined hills? Friend, everything you post on your Wall is like money in the bank for FB's advertising pals. It's like we're just begging to be part of a grand experiment to see just how much crap we can be induced to buy, and all against our better natures.

It honestly rankles my sensitive proclivities that they use us as raw material, so you know what we should all do? We need to alter where we live, what language we speak, how many children we might or might not have. Change your religion, your sex, your age and, most importantly, your shoe size. Change everything. Your friends will know the difference and everyone else won't care.

So bring up the search bar and insert the most ridiculous keywords possible, like "shoehorn", "pimples", or "Olduvai gorge". Then, no matter what pops up, hit the "Like" button.

Currently, according to Facebook, I root for the Manitoba Moose and the Irish Rugby Team. I listen to Luxury Cruise Missile and I'm a fan of mooncups, underpants and Tootsie Pops. Whoo-hoo!


Hello Down There!

lenticular cloudDo you know why we have yet to verify the existence of what we commonly refer to as "UFO's"? It's mainly because our solar system is way out in the biggest middle-of-nowhere ever. But it's also highly probable that if we're ever visited by extraterrestrials they won't be arriving in something so primitive as a flying saucer. Most likely it'll be something our primitive brains wouldn't recognize as a conveyance. Any form of vehicle that can traverse the vast inky void will not look like anything we're used to.

As an example, if you traveled back in time in an F16 and landed it quietly near the outskirts of a 17th century Parisian village I dare say none of the locals chancing upon it on their way to milk the cows, or drop dead of the plague, would ever understand its true purpose.

Who knows? We could be staring out our telescopes at a whole fleet of intergalactic cruisers but have simply mistaken them for swamp gas or lenticular clouds or that ball of dust under the sofa, the one that's humming ever so softly.

Just sayin'.



Republican Job Creation Update

john boehner"We're going to have a relentless focus on creating jobs." - John Boehner, February 10, 2011.

The following is #70 in a list of Republican job creation activities since they gained control of the House in 2011. None, sad to say, have yet to result in one, single new job.

(70) 8-24-2011: The GOP has been quiet on the job front lately so I have a request of Republican Presidential candidate Rick Perry...

Re-invest in your porno companies, Rick.

It doesn't have to be a large investment but at the very least you'd put a few porn stars back on the cock, uh, I mean clock. Heck, if you're lucky they might even name a new position after you, one that no doubt involves anal lube.


Dump Fox News

Fox News Lies!And what manner of lie is Fox News spewing today? At first they don't begrudge the president a vacation.... and then they do. Funny people, just not "ha-ha" funny.

Click here to help Drop Fox from your cable system.

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Today's Google Chow.

Son: Dad, the printer's out of ink.

Dad: What? Again? This is starting to piss me off!

Dad: Why do these companies think we're such idiots we'd happily pay a king’s ransom for a small amount of fluid to run a device that richly deserves to be replaced by improved technology?

Son: Oh, and the car's out of gas.

Dad: Yayy! I'll get my hat!