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How to Prepare for the Rapture, Part Three

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Jesus Christ! Come On DOWWWWWN!

religious suckersA lot of really greedy people are currently making wheelbarrows full of money from imbeciles by informing them that the Rapture, and all that that implies, is going to occur this Saturday, the 21st of May. For obvious reasons I shall not name these particular greedy swine. Just, you know, take my word for it.

Generally I hate seeing cretins, especially financially-strapped ones, clipped of their hard-earned cash by charlatans with a pocketful of miracles and a wink in their eye (which is one reason I think the lottery's intrinsic usefullness lies just this side of a prolapsed rectum) but in this case I'm all for it.

Please, greedy, hypocritical, religious bastards, bleed these dolts dry. Convince them to pawn their meager possessions and donate all their money to you and your church while they wait for the hand of Jesus to lift them into the clouds. Leave them with nothing but dust and ashes to feed their kids with on the 22nd and maybe, just maybe, the next time you come around they'll hang you by your intestines at the state line.


Note: If you're considering a Rapture Party this weekend somewhere in Dallas, let me know and I'll bring the Deviled Eggs.


PS, For this week only I'll be creating a new cartoon every day through Saturday. (In case you're wondering exactly what god hath wrought.)



john boehnerFebruary 10, 2011: "We're going to have a relentless focus on creating jobs." - John Boehner.

So far the list of GOP accomplishments for 2011 is:

(1) Attempted curtailing of abortion rights.
(2) Attempted defunding of Planned Parenthood.
(3) Attempted defunding of NPR.
(4) Investigating Muslims.
(5) Declaring English as America's Official Language.
(6) Reaffirming "In God We Trust". Yawn.
(7) Challenging AARP's tax-exempt status.
(8) Approved defunct funding for failed religious schools.
(9) Attempt to destroy Medicaid.
(10) Attempt to destroy Planned Parenthood
(11) Shutting down the government
(12) Attempt to destroy the EPA.
(13) Attempting to eliminate financial counseling.
(14) Passed a House budget that gives $4 trillion in tax cuts to the rich.
(15) Spend $500,000 to discriminate against gays.
(16) Continued toadying for the rich.
(17) Pretending the deficit is to blame for slow job growth.
(18) De-funded SETI. (ARGH!!!!!!!)
(19) Tried to kill Chrysler two years ago... which is now going to pay back all its government loans.
(20) The Judicial Branch of the GOP, the Supreme Court, votes 5-4 to deny consumer class-action suits.
(21) Redefining rape. Yes, redefining rape.
(22) Pushing for spending caps tied to GDP. Bad idea.
(23) Claimed credit for dropping oil prices because they passed a bill.
(24) Refuse to reduce oil subsidies.
(25) Stood helplessly and watched as Senator John Ensign made Bill Clinton look like a Carmelite nun.
(26) Attempt to retool Rep. Paul Ryan's Medicare-killing bill.
(27) Prevented the raising of the federal debt limit. Let the catastrophic job loss begin.
(28) Watches Rome burn with their Wall Street pals.

Nope. No job creation here. Seriously. Not a fucking employment sausage. Move along. Move along.

I'll keep adding to this list until the Republican House does something to create jobs. I unhappily predict this is gonna be one lonnnnng list. After all, you don't get rid of a sitting president by helping the economy.


Fox News Lies!And what manner of lie is Fox News spewing today? They severely edited Jon Stewart's criticism's of Fox News from his debate with Bill O'Reilly. Pussies.

Click here to help Drop Fox from your cable system.

end rant

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How To Prepare For The Rapture: Part Three

The coming Rapture will be unpleasant for many of you as you leave your non-Christian friends behind to face a life of torment and certain death, but there is an answer... WATERBOARDING!

It's Dick Cheney’s torture-free way of converting the wicked to the righteous path, especially those pesky Muslims.

So grab your holy water and smother the sin right out of your heathen pals,
with love.