Hoping Against Grope

I have several solutions to the airline passenger screening problem:

(1) Hire my mother to approve every passenger.

Yeah, it'd take a while to get everyone settled into their seats but my mom can tell if someone's guilty in a New York second. Her determined vigilance against mischief made me the rich, powerful, ridiculously overendowed Übermensch I am today.

(2) Install a log-flume ride at the airport entrance and require that everyone use it to enter the gates while wearing light-colored clothing.

It'd be an entertaining way to enter the airport and the ensuing drenching would safely render everyone's garments instantly semi-transparent without the nuisance of all that radiation. Not only would it also have a detrimental effect on powdered explosives but prizes could be awarded to the passenger with the most bodacious ta-tas.

(3) Remember how in WWI the Allies would ask suspected Nazi spies about American baseball statistics? Well, we should ask those kinds of questions again at the gates and shoot anyone who gets the correct answer.

Fuckin' sports know-it-all's.

(4) Have a surprise celebrity appear occasionally at the gates to handle the pat-down. This would encourage more travel as how often would a person have the opportunity to have, for instance, Elijah Wood caressing their goodies while softly moaning "My precious. My preciousssss."?

(5) Lastly, don't let anyone who actually wants to travel by airline on board a plane as these are the troublemakers. Only allow those on board who have no intention of traveling.

This could function like a WPA program for those without jobs. We could round up the homeless and the drifters and ship them off to Atlantic City and Reno, even though they may threaten to cut you if you "touch their stuff". Frankly, they could probably use a vacation as it's pretty stressful wondering where you're going to take your next dump.

=Lefty=