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Raging Pencils by Mike "Gigawatt" Stanfill

Perfesser Stanfill Solves the energy Crisis.

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Mike Stanfill, Private Hand
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start rant

Do You Take This Fool...?

"Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage." - Shakespeare

here comes the brideI was married on April Fool's Day, 1982.

Really! No joke.

We had planned on getting married on Halloween but you know how crazy things are around the holidays.

Actually, I wasn't planning on getting married at all. Wasn't even thinking about it. I was too busy starving as a newly-fledged commercial artist to consider adding a wife to the portfolio.

So one day, five years into the relationship, when I wasn't paying strict enough attention to what I was doing, she asked me if I wanted to do the honorable thing, figuring correctly that I wasn't bright enough to figure out how to ask her. I always thought singing and tap-dancing was required for such advanced relational procedures.

God damn Fred Astaire.

I, of course, said yes. After all, you know, what the heck? Besides, she was the loveliest woman I'd ever known and she laughed at most of my jokes. (This, incidentally, describes 99% of all the women in my life. The 1% remains the sole property of Kathryn Denebara, who used to pound the snot out of me on the bus on the way to grade school every morning.)

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Valentines Day all flew past and, before we know it, it's suddenly April 1st and we both have a hankering to do the doity deed.

We took our vows in a tiny judge's office in downtown Dallas, the perimeter of the walls of which were festooned with the heads of a dozen or so very surprised looking animals.

I, personally, was wearing a Morris the Cat t-shrt.

No, we weren't on drugs. We were artistes.

I don't remember what she wore that day, it wasn't anything white, but I do remember, during a post-nuptial dinner, looking at the face I'd known for five years and suddenly noticing that it wasn't perfectly symmetrical... and mentioning to her. These two things paint a vivid picture of why the marriage lasted only five years.

Although it wasn't the most auspicious of days to tie the knot I have since discovered it had two redeeming benefits.

The frist is that it's impossible to forget your wedding day. That alone has several of you out there reconsidering my sanity, or lack thereof.

The second benefit is that the card I always send her each year always says the same thing... "Happy anniversary, Darling. I was a fool to ever let you go. I miss you and I will always love you. April Fools. Sincerely, Mike".

I also send a copy to her lawyer.


Addendum: I've received a few emails todays stating that I'm perhaps being too harsh on Republicans in this comic, that Democrats are just as full of hot air as as the GOP.

Let me go on record by stating that I could never be too harsh on Republicans as I think it's clear they're despicable self-interested, un-American swine. Case in point:

Before all the votes had been counted in Tuesday's election in New York between Republican Jim Tedisco and Democrat Scott Murphy, Mr. Tedisco's people filed an ex parte motion.

Now go and Google "ex parte". I'll wait.

As you'll see, I'm actually being pretty nice about it.

end rant

Bonus Moisture
I'm a big disgrace, but this will rock you.

Extra Deluxe Regrettable Bonus Fabulousness

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...and to dumb two own a dictionary.

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Today's Google Chow.
Perfesser Stanfill solves the energy crisis. Problem: Hoe to power wind turbines when the wind stops blowing.
Answer: Find yourself three republicans. Tie securely to blades of wind turbine. Then let the hot air do all the work!