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Raging Pencils by
Mike "Anno domini" Stanfill
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Am Bic Pentameter
in 2006 I entered an online contest, the theme of which was
to sum up the previous year as entertainingly as possible.
The Grand Prize was a brand-spanking new Apple Powerbook.
I came in second place. Not unlike the Monopoly Game "Beauty
earned a whopping $25.
Needless to say, I quickly inquired if the contest had a
morals clause. After all, you never know. Grand Prize Boy
might have some scandalous photos in his past. As it turned
out, no one cared. I think I splurged and spent all my winnings
on anal lube.
I had completely forgotten about the contest until I recently
chanced upon it in an ancient email. And not being the kind
of guy who'd pass up a perfectly good opportunity for personal
sloth I present it to you as today's slightly outdated Rant:
The Year of the Unamused Muse
Did OJ really do it and did Tom Cruise really screw it
Can dancing penguins beat the Pixar cars?
Will Obama topple Hillary, should Hilton end up pilloried
Can George Bush be the first man sent to Mars?
Santa hollered "Wii-Wii-Wii!" when he ran out of
And new Apples proudly state "Intel Inside".
Ken Lay neatly faked the Big One, oy gavalt meshuganah Gibson
And gas prices enjoyed a roller-coaster ride.
Snakes flew the friendly skies while the Democrats yelled "Surprise!"
And blacks think Michael Richards' not-so droll
Google's stock accellerated while Allen macaca-tated
And the Steelers stole the XL Super Bowl.
LonelyGirl15 had faked it, while the iPod shake-and-baked
And the market had collapsed for new abodes
Foley folded over pages, Pastor Haggard rocked the ages
But Terri Schaivo's sweet Prince Charming never showed.
Global warming's liquidation caused polar bear elimination
While Cheney's lawyer-hunt caused schadenfreude
Zune's squirting mostly fizzled, net neutrality was for shizzle
And gushing profits Exxon CEO's enjoyed.
Pluto found itself occluded when new rules were instituted
Superman and Lois Lane had gotten busy
Grandpa Munster and Barney Fife now star the afterlife
And Borat Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
The year of zero six had its share of vicious licks
The kind we hope that Stephen King will take a pass.
So with keen anticipation and not a little excitation
Let's see in zero seven who takes it up the ass.
Yes, batshit insanity is a dominant
Extra Deluxe Far Sidey Bonus Fabulousness
Ladies and gentlemen, German cartoonist Martin
Raging Pencils salutes the
Mystery Reader of
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Priest, to nun:
"Look, sister, there's no harm in snacking on the occasional
communion wafer, but knocking back the Eucharist along
with chianti and fava beans is, well, just plain icky."