Is Here, By Golly!
As you all know, Sears and K-Mart are already rolling out
the Xmas goods in hopes that the ready availability of cheap
consumer trinkets and cold-weather gear will entice the more
enthusiastic seasonal shoppers among us to come a-courtin'.
As you might guess, I will not be among them.
However, this pathetic act of commercial desperation has me thinking about the
Xmas season to come, and I'm again beset by the three basic problems of gift-giving
as we know it here in Amerika:
(1) We rarely know what the other person wants.
(2) Gift-giving often lacks sincerity.
(3) The gifts are often forgotten almost immediately.
So with that in mind I have a new plan for this upcoming yuletide season:
This year, I'm buying everyone in my family a tattoo. Think about it. It's trendy,
it's esthetic, it's relatively inexpensive and it's permanent.
Plus, there's no gift-wrapping and I don't have to shop. This saves on paper
and gasoline, so the idea is friendly to the environment, too.
Of course, once you accumulate enough tattoos your corpse will be considered
toxic waste so get used to the idea of spending eternity stored next to the nukes
deep in the bowels of Yucca Mountain.
But I digress.
For the sake of simplicity I've limited the choice to the following six designs:
(2) Palin/Jindal 2012
(3) Hate/Love (knuckles only)
(4) Barbed wire
(6) UPC code
(7) Heart with either "Mom" or "Wow" in it depending upon
level of affection for parent, video game and /or palindromes.
(As for the under-18 crowd I'll have plenty of temporary tattoos, candy cigarettes
and near-absinthe so that they don't feel left out.)
So for the next five months I've instructed my kith and kin to begin cogitating
on the tattoo of their dreams. On the weekend prior to Xmas, when our extended
family traditionally gathers, and immediately following the final
and improved Cowboys Stadium, we'll all caravan down to the warehouse district
and seek the most sanitary and least disreputable parlour we can find.
Happy New Year,