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Raging Pencils by Mike "Teratogen" Stanfill

thalidomide jesus

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Short Arm Transubstantiation

"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." -  Ezekiel 23:20

out to lunchLong Story Short: Sometimes your arms really ARE too short to box with god.

When you think about it, Western religious iconography would be much different had Jesus been rendered differently abled via birth or accident.

Suppose Jesus was the victim of a freak accident in a high school wood shop that resulted in the severing of both arms, just short of the shoulder. His physical condition would have made his later crucifixion a real head-scratcher. My guess is that they would have crammed him onto a pole, sphincter-first, like those little pink erasers on a #2 pencil. If you wore a little metal commemorative representation of this event around your neck the chain would surely be strung through his ears. That I'm certain of.

Too cruel? Okay, how about if he lost just one arm. In that case he wouldn't have been nailed to a simple cross, it would have been something more like a sideways "T". And if one hand was nailed to the crossmember on one side what were the nails on the other side hammered into? Yikes!

Would Calvary Hill have had a wheelchair ramp? And would it have been easier or harder to bear your cross when you're rolling one-handed?

Suppose Big J was born with a cleft palate. Would anyone have understood him when he said "Morgib nem fanner, for ney no nod whad day noo."?

But, fortunately for the Corporate Church, God or the luck of genetics made sure that Jesus was a strapping hunk of a man who would make an ideal blood sacrifice. The tabloids would eat that shit up. Which they did.

A final historical/technical note... records indicate that people executed via crucifixion were generally hung upside down, with the spikes being driven through the groin. The people who did this weren't interested in poignant iconography, they wanted you to really think about your transgressions, even if it was nothing more than simply being in the wrong place at the wong time.


end rant

Raging Pencils is a minor personal conceit of:

Mike Stanfill, Private Hand
Mike Stanfill, Private Hand
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Today's Google Chow.
The Church of the Thalidomide Jesus was having a bit of trouble gaining traction.
"What is that? soap on a rope?"