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Raging Pencils by Mike "Cannonball!" Stanfill

Where anchormen get their start

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Hell Mary

"McCain just wants to be president. Obama just wants to change everything." - Mike Stanfill

crazy palinLong Story Short: Sucker bet.

I walked into my kitchen this past Friday for a quick afternoon snack. The radio was tuned to my local NPR station and evidently there was some sort of comedy program in progress. The sound of an annoyingly nasal, impossibly perky female emanated from my vintage RCA stereo, sounding not too unlike comediane Julia Sweeny. The character was going on and on about her life's experiences and her wonderful marriage and her many children, blah-blah-fucking-blah. She was talking very loudly and very fast, the same technique late-show infomercials use to sell nose-hair trimmers or commemorative plates. It's no secret that some people will fall for anything if you say it with enough intensity. Flowbee, anyone?

From time to time the audience would simultaneoulsy erupt into applause or consternation or assertion as if on cue, its artifical exhuberance putting a cherry on this satire's cake. It was a very subtle piece of humor about ordinary people who believe their mundane lives are worthy of attention.

"Obviously written by some David Sedaris wanna-be. Not bad, but not great", I said to myself as I headed back to the office.

I found out later this snippet was actually Sarah Palin's introduction as Senator McCain's choice for VP.

Ohhhh, geez.

You see, I'd been following Ms. Palin's exploits as governor of Alaska for some time and I knew she was a vindictive, power-hungry ditz headed for a fall. I knew John McCain was a fool but, with this choice, it's clear he thinks all women are fools, too.

McCain honestly, seriously thinks that the eighteen million women who voted for Hilary Clinton in the Democratic primaries are going to arrive en masse on November 4th and vote Republican just because he now has a woman on the ticket. "Oh, those silly democrats" he thought, gleefully rubbing his hands, "they've fallen into my clever trap."

But McCain is wrong. He may have the vagina but the women of America know a dick when they see one.

Without any doubt, if the Democrats had chosen Hilary Clinton for vice-president then McCain would chosen someone else. Ms. Palin is simply a tool and a fool. How big of a fool? She took the job after admitting she doesn't even know what the vice-president does. Only in Republican America, where no matter how unqualified you are, will you always have the opportunity of doing a heckuva job.

If McCain somehow squeaks out a win you'll never hear from Ms. Palin for the next four years as her work will have been done. She is not a vital cog in this two-man organization, she is merely bait. The switch wil come later.

There is one other aspect to this story and that is the possibility that Ms. Palin is being used as nothing more than a tool to shove Mr. Obama's brilliant speech off the front pages, replaced with endless thoughtful consideration of this perky, plucky little veep. Eventually the GOP will react with great shows of shock as hitherto unknown nude photos of Ms. Palin begin flooding
the net and they'll have no choice but to replace her with Joe Lieberman.

The next day Bush will declare war on Russia. You heard it here first.


end rant

Raging Pencils is a minor personal conceit of:

Mike Stanfill, Private Hand
Mike Stanfill, Private Hand
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100% Free Bonus Snark!

SWAT teams launch raids on Minnesota peace activists, in violation
of almost all our basic rights as Americans.
Read more about it here.

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bridge to nowhere

In her introduction speech on Friday Sarah Palin stated that she was
against the infamous Bridge to Nowhere. Looks like she was wrong.

Today's Google Chow.
"Indifferent federal reconstruction dooms New Orleans, SWAT teams targeting peace activist's in Minnesota and John McCain taps poodle for veep. We'll be right back with the sports."
How anchormen get their start.