Final
Instructions
"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years
before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."
- Mark Twain
 I
am currently hale and hearty but I do not, when the
time comes, wish my carcass dumped into a hole in the
ground, however ceremoniously, sealed in steel and
concrete with noxious chemicals coursing through the
remnants of my veins. It's an unnecessary burden on
the Earth and no one will give a rat's patoot about
me anyway once the last spade of dirt has fallen, which
is as it should be.
So I've stipulated in my will that my remains are to be fed to tigers, and that
their poop for the following four days is to be collected and placed in a large
paper bag. Said bag will then be placed on my ex-wife's porch, the bag will be
set on fire and then the doorbell will be rung. Everything after that is pure
gravy.
I'm only joking, of course as you don't need a will for this sort of thing. All
you need are a couple of friends with a sense of humor who are just agnostic
enough to think you might chase them forever through the halls of Hell if they
let you down.
To be slightly serious for a moment this whole, vain business
of
permanent resting places for these suits of meat we walk
around in is completely ludicrous. I realize the ceremony
is basically closure for kith and kin but let's be reasonable.
We're
nothing but a a bag of basic elements that, once abandoned
by the vital forces, seeks desperately
to return
to the Earth.
I've heard of a new process, and I'm not making this up,
where they lower the body into liquid nitrogen. Once completely
frozen
the
body
is
then
subjected
to high-powered vibrations that pulverize it to a powder.
The result is then mixed with corn meal, sewn into a biodegradable
bag, and placed under the roots of a sapling
as nourishing fertilizer.
Yeah, that's the ticket!
Or, as George Carlin once posited, why not lay the body on
a pile of explosives and blow it to smithereens?
KA-BA-BOOM!
Excuse me whilst I amend my will.
=mike=
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