Ex
Eo Negotio
"Attention! Attention! His most empiricalness, Pope Lefty
I, will now address the crowd. Go right ahead, your Eminence."
"Thanks, Eddie. Okay, listen up you mooks. Now, so far
you've all been really good about burnin' those candles and
rubbin'
them beads but this world that God built way back when ain't
lookin' too good these days and we all know who's
responsible. And I'm lookin' right at 'em. Yeah, that's right.
I'm talking to you, Angelo. And you, too, Mario. In fact,
all you guys. You all been thinkin' God's gonna keep those
cheeseburgers and SUVs
comin' forever.
Well, I got news for you. God's gettin' real tired of this
planet. It's like, you know, when you buy a pool table and
it's fun
for, like, maybe two weeks, and then you just start stackin'
boxes on it and wondering why it's takin' up all that space
in
the rumpus room.
Yeah, like that. The Earth is the pool table and we're all
behind the eight ball."
"Pretty good how I got around to that eight-ball metaphor,
huh? That's why I'm the fuckin' Pope and you're all buying
lottery tickets."
"Okay, so God's left me in charge and I got Satan's
phone number on speed-dial, capiche, so here's what we're
gonna
do. First, you're all gonna start eatin' more vegetables.
Like, a lot. God gave you those canines 'cause he thought
it looked kinda cool, like vampire-cool, but that doesn't
make you a fuckin' tiger. All them cows you been eatin' fart
a lot, you know, and all that methane is stinkin' up
Jesus's tennis court. A little more fiber won't kill
ya."
"Second, you're
all gonna start walkin' more. God hid all that dinosaur
juice under Saudi Arabia in order to lubricate the axis this
planet spins on. He had no idea you monkeys would invent
the Hummer."
"Finally, you can
have all the abortions you want now. Go crazy. The
less
of
you
guys
the
better.
No offense,
but it wouldn't hurt if you invested in a stronger deodorant,
too."
"Oh, and one more thing. If a guy named Guido shows up and
starts hollerin' somethin' about copyright infrigement, you
don't know me."
=Lefty=
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