Brain
Freeze!
 Speaking
of horrible fairy stories, Beloved Girlfriend and
I watched a copy of Frozen this
weekend. I've read that this movie has made
over
a
billion
dollars
in box-office but I can personally name, off the
top of my head, at least a hundred other
animated features that deserved
that billion, or it's nearest adjusted-for-inflation
amount, more than this insipid piece of twaddle.
I realize I'm not the target audience for this
production but, to be kind,
there's not a single moment in the story that made
a lick
of
sense.
(Yeah,
Disney
made a mockery of the original Hunchback of Notre
Dame but they made a great movie.)
I'm not going to go into lurid detail but here's
a Frozen lowlight or two:
• The story kills the parents off in the
first ten minutes, giving the two daughters
an excuse to make bad decisions for the rest of
the movie. Really? Yes, really.
• The parents lock the (ice) princess in
solitary confinement for about three years, minimum,
and
she's psychologically unaffected
by
the
process. (Oh, wait... she's "cold". Uh-huh.)
• The little
sister falls in love with the "perfect guy" who
in the last reel suddenly reveals himself as a
greedy, murderous psycho, but only because the
writer is incapable of thoughtfully presaging his
intent.
• Then
the little sister falls in love with another lovable
hunk who may or may not also
be
a psycho.
We have no way of knowing. All we have is precedent.
• Little Sis goes riding off into an arctic
wilderness to find her sister, at night, clad
only in a ball gown and a blanket, because
hypothermia
is
comedy
gold.
• The Ice Princess is incapable of controlling
her ice powers while at the castle but
can make soaring architectural masterpieces of
ice
not twenty
minutes later.
• A sword shatters
into pieces when it strikes an ice sculpture, because
paper-cuts-scissors.
• Worst of all, even though the Ice Princess
clearly loves her sister she discovers she can
reverse
the icy spell of the winter she inadvertently placed
over her kingdom when she learns
that she loves her sister. I am not kidding.
Furthermore, the two sisters are characterless
Barbie dolls who careen from rash to wise decisions
only
because it moves the story along, not because they're
exhibiting any learned behaviors. (Unlike, for
example, Brave's Merida.) This thing
is really only one small step up from direct-to-video
garbage like "Tinkerbell Gets A Brazillian".
I know, I know, it's just a children's movie, but
it's a bad one, but since it's made a bazillion
dollars it's now a template for similar crap to
come.
BTW, if you want a clearer dissection of Frozen,
please read Dani Coleman's "The
Problem With False Feminism."
=Lefty=
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