We're
All Misfits
 When
you think about it, Rudolph's mythically luminescent
honker, and the storied success he achieved
in spite of it, is almost without comparison
in the real world. We don't, for instance,
celebrate Donna the Clubfooted Waitress for
single-footedly
driving invading molemen back
to their dark, underground domain. Generally,
we put unfortunate creatures like Rudolph on
display in freak shows, or give them jobs as
contributors
on Fox News.
Instead, it's our habit to repair the afflicted
the moment we notice something awry the instant
they sploosh out the vaginal water slide.
If some kid was born with a crimson snoot,
or a short length of tail (which
happens occasionally)
they'd be whisked off to surgery for emergency
modifications, which no one in the family would
ever speak of again.
It says something about us humans that we
seek conformity of appearance. We're inwardly
uncomfortable
with another human whose body parts either
don't line up correctly or manifest elements
which don't fit the expected mental template.
(This excludes women with stumps, of course,
because they're HOT!) And don't get me started
about eyebrow rings.
Still, we need our differences. We need to
celebrate different cultures and different
points of view (as long as they're
adequately peer-reviewed). We're not ants,
so celebrate yourself and your weirdness.
------------
Speaking of weirdness, it has occurred to
me that since most of the entertaining traditions
associated
with Christmas
revolve around hoary pagan rituals (things
like feasting, decorating trees, putting up
wreaths, mistletoe, holly, and yule logs)
it may be time to develop traditions that
are more tastefully Bible-y. Like,
for instance:
• The Baby Jesus Look-Alike Contest: This event
is suitable for all ages and genders as contestants
will do their best to create the most convincing
or unusual manger/swaddling
combination. Family groups are encouraged.
To break any ties there will be a swimsuit
portion
of
the
program.
• Camel Drag Racing: Camels, and their
riders, will compete against each other in
quarter-mile
sprints to deliver gold, frankincense,
or myrrh to the creche at the finish line.
The Unlimited category will allow exotic drug
combinations in order to wring the last bit
of speed out of the mounts, though blown heads
are
often a result.
• Liars Contest: Pregnant women will
appear before an audience and a panel of judges
and
give the most creative account of their
fecundity that does not actually involve sex.
Extra points if the story is
proven true. Mention of god is not allowed
as it's been done to death.
• Stack The Virgins: The idea is
to pile twenty virgins
(female, and past age of consent) on the
back of a donkey as fast as possible. Virgins
touching
the ground
must
spend two
minutes
in the penalty
manger. Contest limited to states capable of
finding twenty virgins.
• Competitive Birthing: Prospective
mothers will line up, on their backs, facing
away from the audience, at 11:59, December
24th. At exactly midnight an official will
fire his starting pistol and the first woman
whose baby
is
born alive, wins.
------------------
And now, because I loathe
the song "The Little Drummer Boy" almost more
than life itself,
here's
how
I think it should have gone:
The Little Drummer's Parents
Leave, they told us, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
We woke the baby up, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
The place was filled with cows, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
Oh, sure, like we're to blame, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
rum-pah-pum-pum, rum-pah-pum-pum.
Little baby, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
Our kid's a poor boy, too, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
I got laid off from Sears, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
I bought some thrift-store drums, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
Rum-pah-pum-pum, rum-pah-pum-pum.
Can he make random noises, rum-pah-pum-pum-
On his drums?
Mary cowered, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
The ox and lamb left town, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
My kid whacked on his drum, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
It made an awful sound, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
Rum-pah-pum-pum, rum-pah-pum-pum
Then He yowled in pain, pah-rum-pum-pum-pum
At us and our drum.
That damned little drum.
=Lefty=
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