now, ladies and gentlemen, on stage for the
first time in 2000 years, the Holiday
Kansas City is
proud to present the comic styling's of the
Man himself! Give it up for Jesus H. Kerrrrrrrr-rist!
Thank you ladies and gentlemen, thank you!
It's great to be here! I gotta tell ya, though,
I've been nailed to a cross for 2000 years
and, boy, are my arms tired.
Audience: We love you, Jesus.
Jesus: I love you too, mom. How did you get
out of the home? Note to self: next time, better
handcuffs. So, uh, my dad is so cheap....
Audience: How cheap is he?
Hey, thanks for playing along. My dad's
so cheap he built his first man out of mud.
fiber, not Scarlet Johansson's belly-button
that fancy mud you get down at K-Mart, either.
No sir. I mean plain old, mess-up-your-carpet-and-blame-it-on-the-dog
mud. What's up with that? I guess he was all
out of those fancy, hard-to-find rocks and
sticks I've been hearing so much about.
And don't you start laughing, ladies. You were
made from bones yanked outta the mud man. That
makes you a mud-bone.
Anyway. So then one day he looks down at the
Earth and sees all kinds of sinning going on
amongst these mud people. He can't believe
what he's seeing down there.
What the heck? Are they actually..? Hey, stop
that! Get offa him! That's not what that's
for! That's just nasty!"
So now he figures he's go got to wipe them
all out and start all over again. Now, he could
have hired a hit man and made it look like
an accident. Or he coulda put too much HFCS
their food. He coulda even called the Orkin
man, but noooooo, we're talking about my Dad
here. You know, Mr. Rockefeller. So he just
goes and gets, that's right, the hose.
"Dum-de-dum. <Squirt-squirt-squirt> How
do you like them apples, ya little bastards?
Kinda hard to do the breast stroke with a hamster
up your ass now, eh, Mr. Gimp-Suit?"
And don't get me started on that whole crucifixion
thing. Oh, yeah, that was a special day for
me. Did I get a pizza party? Did I get a nice
watch or maybe a pen and pencil set? No! I
tell you what I got. Two boards and some nails.
My Dad said it was an "investment" for
"How do you like it up there, son? That
was my idea, you know? Next time you'll listen
when I tell you to quit jerking-off so much."
Thank you! You've been great! See you all in